Thinking this season Part dos

This year, 2010 I am starting over again. Press reset, I want to begin a new chapter.

try not to:

fall into sin
be gluttonous
be too selfish
fall too hard
procrastinate
ignore friends
be in the pain
love too little
sell myself short
save adventures for another day


forget my list.

Thinking this season Part uno

I am thinking that I'd like to give up all the congestion of life, live in a rural village where nothing else matters but the simplicity of life.

My new years resolution is to simplify my life. Make decisions easier, take life as it comes, love those who are put before me, care deeply for those who simply have no one, gain wisdom from those who have lived a life - or two, read what I must and enjoy what I want to, listen to music, and enjoy the simple beauty of the art that surrounds me.

I choose to be the best that I can be, I choose to be authentic in everything. Because my past does not dictate who I am.

love.

it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.

This too shall pass.

yesterday was hard, and I was upset.
I left and cried, but then I got a phone call.
she asked to talk with me.
she described pain, fear, frustration, anger.
in a marriage I thought was full of love, kindness, and shelter it was suddenly full of sorrow.

I thought, sigh... Im glad. I thought, even though my anger is at full and my emotions are bankrupt, tomorrow is a new day.
A new day full of new potential, full of success, and the constant reminder that this too shall pass.



This too shall pass.
India Arie

I've achieved so much in life,
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt


My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears


Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says


but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass


The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs


My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized
that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light

this too shall pass...

I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper
this too shall pass

half full.

the bad
-staying on task
-thinking I can't accomplish things well.
-Not having all my time to spend with hurting children.
-self worth.
-value.
-loving those who need to be loved, even though its hard.
-working so hard at school and not seeing the fruits
-mourning
-not loving Christmas
-distracting emails

the good
-unexpected good marks
-fantastic friends that encourage me
-brothers that know your serious this time
-laughter with great friends
-promise of a hope and a future
-a loving mother

If we're all honest, sometimes the bad outweighs the good, nonetheless - I'm incredibly thankful for the good.

the moment.

the moment you begin to search for something is the moment its misplaced.

I find this with most things, I don't need/have use for something for so long, I see it in my drawer and think - why do I even have that.

I never wear it, where will I wear it?

But then, one day you wake up and think -

I'd like that thing,

I'd like to wear it,

and its gone.

The thing that your searching for is missing.

That thing in which you desire is gone from your life.

I feel the moment you stop searching for that thing, the moment you throw your hands up in the air and think - I've had it, I can't do this anymore.

Thats the moment you find it. You find yourself buried deep within the anguish frustration and pain.

You find love and mercy after you give up searching for something in your own strength.

Yesterday I gave up trying to figure out why people are terrible to one another and proclaim the love of God, I gave up trying to figure out why relationships hurt so much, I gave up trying to figure out the pain and sorrow some kids experience for no reason, I gave up trying to understand my own life - the purpose meaning and place.

Yesterday I gave up, and found love like no other.

I found peace, hope, and comfort in my heavenly father.

I found what I was actually looking for all along.

is thankful

for days full of brokenness, pain, sorrow, and laughter.

and the most of all - for transparency.

Life for me lately has been all of the above.

Somedays I get stuck on how broken this world is, and how harsh we can be to one another. Other days I am thankful for the gift of love, mercy, and genuine friendships.

Although the sorrow of the evening entraps me, when I awake in the morning;

that is where the joy lies.

The joy of a new day, full of brokenness, pain, sorrow, and laughter.

Something honest

I was walking through my basement last week and thought "how is it that I have to live the rest of my life without a father"

"how is that real?"

Love where is your fire? (spoken word?)

love, where is your fire?

why is it that all songs begin and end with loves pain?  I seek to understanding why love hurts so much, but I have yet to find an answer.  

I do not understand why time and time again I do not learn, 

I grow, 

but I don't learn from those mistakes. 

Learn to see those signs, 

learn to hear those words that are not 

"what

 I

 think 

I 

hear".  

let my no mean no and my yes mean yes.

my no means "maybe" and my yes means "I'll have to think about it".  Why can't I just make a decision.  I once made a decision

to care, 

to wait, 

to honor, 

to seek Gods will in this situation.  

But today, Im not sure I am honoring that decision.  I sit in my living room thinking, 

love - where is your fire?  Where is that fire I keep watching in movies.  The one that effects them so much that they'll do anything, 

say anything,

be anything?

Why do we as brilliant woman who are studying to become aware and intelligent crumble at the sounds of a love song, or promise things we are not willing to fulfill.  

Why can't we follow hard after His will, why do we often get distracted by those who make promises to never hurt nor forsake, but do.  

Its because we were built to feel something deep inside for a man, someone truly great that maybe God hasn't summoned, but he will bless me through him.  

It is also our longing for something more, something greater, something that revives our soul that we must cultivate.  We must as brilliant, loving, strong women of God chase hard after 

Him.  

Follow right behind Him.

Study His word.

Love His children.

Learn to pray for those around us.

Fight for the cause of the weary, widowed, the sick. 

For he only knows those plans.

plans to prosper us - in different ways than we imagine

not to harm us - although we will feel pain

but plans to give us a Hope and a Future.

So love where is your fire?

Its hidden deep within me, and only - ONLY the creator of my being can light it.

the connectedness of pain.

I remember sitting in the grass in the park that day, 8 months after my father passed away.  As I listened to the story of the young 10 year old -- the grief had stricken her unexpectedly that day.  

I remember telling her of my own experience with grief I thought 

we are from two very different worlds but we are connected through our pain.

I find I'm questioning the purpose of many things lately.  The purpose of war, peace, justice, and love.  I am questioning my purpose in this mess that we call the world.  

Lately I've been more aware of the pain and injustice that is caused by our own hands.

Yet again I sit here in my class a world away from that place feeling the deep sadness of the 13 year old acholi girl in the movie war dance.  My father was not killed, but just like her - I've laid beside my fathers grave allowing deep waves of tears to come, whispering "come back to me".  

We are from two very different worlds  but we are connected through our pain.

Some things are universal.  

The purpose I feel lately is to accept the pain and sadness of this world, and turn it into a connectedness in which we help one another through this beautiful mess we call life.

I desire

I desire to listen without judgement

I desire to love without reserve

I desire to do what He wants instead of what the world wants.

I desire to bless a family and take a hit, literally.

I desire to care for those who have no one.

I desire to understand why bad things happen.

I desire to work hard and gain knowledge

I desire to be there for you, even when it hurts.

I desire to be all of these things. It just gets too hard somedays.

Abraham and Jessica.

    These past few months, past year -

I've been reading Gods word, calling out His name and working through trusting Him.  I think maybe I forgot how to trust God without reserve, because I lost my father, maybe that's the reason... I don't know.  All I know is that I forgot how to trust.  This season of my life is a large trust exercise.  I am learning that I can't put my plan into the mix - its always a non negotiable.. haha.  That I must wake up every morning and allow God to work through me, instead of doing it on my own.  I guess I think sometimes I've been "independent" doing it "on my own" for so long, but really its been God the whole time.  I have to give Him all the glory. 

 

During this season though I've been trying to hold onto things, people, places, times.  God has said no - let them go, give me them as a sacrifice.  I read today in the bible the story of Abraham's sacrifice.  Abraham for so long prayed for a son, someone who could carry on his legacy.  For me, faith is holding onto a prayer and believe God will come through.  Then God told him to sacrifice his only son - the one Abraham had been waiting for.  The one who seemed perfect in his eyes, the one who had just come along.  Abraham had to give him to God and walk away.  As Abraham walked up the mountain he must have been thinking of so many things - "how am I going to just kill my own son", his heart must have been aching, as they walked the trek for three days.  Finally when they got up the mountain and he was just about to give him over to God the angel of the Lord came to him and said 

"Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son".

"I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, ¹⁷ I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, ¹⁸ and through your offspring" all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me".

Genesis 22: 16-18.

God had provided them with a Ram to sacrifice.  God always provides, and comes through just when you need it.  God doesn't reveal things right when YOU WANT them, but when you NEED THEM.  

Abraham had faith to give up what was in his life, what he had been holding onto.  I'm not sure why God calls us to give up what we love, LA, social work program, people in our lives.  All I know is that it hurts, its hard, but there's purpose.  There's beauty in the breakdown.  So today, without reserve I will trust my father.  The one who so creatively made me in my mothers womb.  The one who knows my first and last breath, I will walk beside Him, and trust that His steps He's leading me towards are the ones that are best for me.  

Sunday night at church we sang a song I had heart a million times in my life "tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take him at his word, just to rest him on his promise." 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km63bQinoJk 

Sunday night I began to really think about the lyrics, I began to "trust Him more.  Today as I need God to walk beside me, in front of me, around me, I will learn to trust him more.

you are for me.

    you will never let me down.

you are for me

    you formed me in my mothers womb

you are for me

    even the pain teaches me you love me

you are for me

     come and write upon my heart.. to remind me of who you are.

you see me for who I am, and how wonderful you have made me.  

I know you are for me.

complacency and selfishness (musings of the broken part 1).

   This week I've been on a crazy roller coaster of thoughts, frustrations, anxieties, basically confusion to say the least.  

My week began with a simple situation.  A moment where I sat idly by and did nothing.  This became an irritant in my mind for the rest of week, posing the question to friends "what would you do".

   So I run an after school program for kids at a social housing complex by the center I work at.  Today we just chilled with the kids, and played games.  It was a lot of fun, and as I sat in the grass helping a girl with her homework - I thought - this is what it's about, just hanging out doing life with kids.  Then one of the older brothers of a girl who was in our program came to get her.  It was time to come in, and help him with their younger brother.  She was non-compliant to say the least.  I understand the frustration, and annoyance.  He probably wanted to be hanging out with his friends instead of taking care of his siblings.  The next thing that happened changed my world - it wasn't life changing for them - it was everyday life.  She yelled "Shut up" at him, and he threw his back pack at her as though it was his fist.  Then he ran at her and kicked her in the back of the leg.  This wasn't just playful brother sister fighting, it was an inside glimpse to her life - to their life.  I just sat there.

I did nothing, I just sat in the grass talking to the other kids.  I didn't yell "HEY don't kick her".  I didn't get up and chase him away, I saw idly by and did nothing.  

I feel as though this is a metaphor for my life.  I sit in my house watching t.v , I listen to my music, wait for my friends to call, and waste my time.   Lately I've been checking out the invisible children website, over and over.  Watching videos, sobbing endlessly, asking God - what can I really do?  I hear of so many injustices during the live broadcast of the  UN's "international day of peace", and think - now that i'm aware I have a responsibility.  I question myself  "what can I even do to change the circumstances of many peoples lives?"  

I've been thinking a lot lately about my selfishness.  How it seeps into my whole life.  I have been "looking out for myself" for along time.  My dad was sick, and all focus was on him for along time.  My brother went through this and that in his life, and I was always there to help him through life.  My dad passed away, and my mother went through a grieving process.  My brother got married, and life was focused on that.  So Jessica looks out for herself.  Thinking of herself, because she feels no one else will.  This is what the worlds tells you "look out for yourself, watch out for #1.  Do not give up your life for anyone, you need to make sure your getting yours".  This thought seeps into our lives when we go through bumps in friendships or relationships.  We think "I need to make sure I don't get hurt".  Alfred Lord Tennyson once said (as is now quoted as a cliche), "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".  Which is true in every friendship, and relationship you have.  You love without reserve, you fight injustice diligently, you serve with every ounce of strength that you have.  This must seep into every instance, love people with your whole heart - even if they turn your hand outs away. Strive to empower those who seem to be powerless, even though they are weary in spirit.  Every moment you spend standing up for someone, loving them, cheering them on - is a moment spent in worship to God.

 "Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" James 1:27. 

 

So complacency and selfishness is the battle I'm fighting in this season of life.  In order to stand up for those little girls who are being beaten, to never miss out on moments of love, to do what God has for me in every instance of life, and obey Him.

This week is the beginning of something God is breaking in me, maybe he's restoring something.  But as of right now, I'm being broken slowly ...the complacency is falling off, daily the selfishness will decrease little by little.

less of me, More of Him.

Life is a beautiful mess.

Lessons learned thus far:

1.  God is so so great.  I cannot believe how many times God has subtly reinforced the fact that He loves me and He daily is drawing me near to Him.

2.  Family is to be cherished and not ignored.  I am so grateful for the fact that I learn this lesson before its too late always.  It happened with my grandfather, and my father and now I have learned to share how much I love respect, and honor my family.  

3.  Life is a beautiful mess.  Sometimes we go through situations we cannot control, nor can be steer away from them without getting a little messy.  I always thought I could stay uninvolved and that way I wouldn't get my heart broken, there is no way you cannot steer away from getting your heart broken unless you live under a rock.

4.  Forgiveness is about bearing the pain yourself and letting the other person go free.  Which can be depicted by the cross.  My Uncle reminded me of this, and I believe its true.  So often when I forgive its too hard, and I tend to bear that pain until God wipes it away.  But forgiving someone is about giving restoration and sometimes not receiving it.  Or at least its been my experience.

5.  I love Gods call for my life with all of my heart.  He had such a great call attached to my name when he created me, and I cannot wait to find out all the details.  I am excited, and scared at the same time.

6.  Sometimes your plan (now speaking of social work) isn't always the plan that is enacted.  I planned for two years to attend social work for my third year.  Im currently going into my third year as a CSI/crim major, taking poli sci courses and community development.  I love my classes, and I am excited for what God will teach me through my obedience.  

7.  Best friends are forever.  No matter what: people may come and go, boys may walk in and out of your life, family might be messed up and crazy -- best friends will always be by your side.  I praise God for the amazing friends He's blessed me with.  Its been a wonderful ride so far, one that cannot be mistaken for anything but Gods divine hand.

8.  I love working and serving people with all of my heart.  There is nothing more fullfilling than walking through a crowd within the community talking to teenagers and kids alike that you can show God to.  Serving at the center has been so amazing, going to Ark Aid, street light, and even serving your own friends and neighbors brings life into my lifeless soul.  I praise God for designing me this way, that I can find extreme joy in serving Him through His children.

9.  Pain is gain.  The hard times brings wisdom, knowledge and discernment.  I praise God for the things I have had to go through in my lifetime.  I have not had it hard, but somethings have bruised and scarred my heart.  It is so hard to go through those things unscathed, but I have managed to stay close to the heart of God.  Sometimes I cry out "why" but this year I have learned to give thanks for even the hard times.  Through those times, I can acknowledge someone else's pain through empathy, and be the love God would show.

10.  My father was the greatest love of my life.  He always cared, always endured, always prayed.  My father showed me love at its greatest capacity, especially within the last year of His life.  He would change his wake up times for his meds, just to wake me up in time for work.  He would talk to me about any problem in my life. When I got a haircut, he would looked shocked at how beautiful I looked.  His love was one that endured, and was always there.  Its hard when a love like that vanishes from your life.  I have learned (through trial and error) to not look for it in just anyone.  I have learned that the man that will be in my life, must love me just as God would love - as reinforced by my father.

These are things I have learned up until today.  Tomorrow I will learn another lesson.

Life is a beautiful mess.

-Jessica Elise Justrabo.

Dance, Pain, and God.

    I know some many mock me for this entry, but I am truly moved by what I have seen and the emotion and it has evoked cannot be ignored.  I absolutely love dance, art, music, anything that creatively communicates something; someone's struggle, love, peace, anything.  Last week there was a dance on so you think you can dance, I did not see it however I scoped it out on "youtube".  This video almost brings me to tears every time.  It communicates the relationship between an addict and their addiction.  It shows with emotion so much of the pain they try to hide, and run from.  The minute they enter into that relationship of pain and suffering, the minute it takes them captive.  I have never struggled with such, but I have always wanted to understand how someone's pain can be hidden so deep that it allows them to come to the point of destruction.  I struggled with this thought earlier today during a conversation about people who experience pain, and subsequently resort to cutting.  Many people (with a higher coincidence within that of young teen girls) cut their arms, legs, whatever is available to control their pain, to ease their suffering.  Why is it that so many people are suffering, and choose to self destruct bit by bit.    

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4tuxWjqmeU&feature=related

This dance emanates the evil and the pain that is dug deeper with the infusing life of an addiction.  I cannot imagine or dream what it would be like to live with the constant stinging of a pain that cannot be forgotten.  I do however understand and know the loving power that can heal those places deep within that are forgotten by everyone but the owner of the pain.  Those places that are not always visible, but always present.  I have experienced deep hurt, and pain in this world.  Maybe not as sharp or deep as some, but deep enough to wound.  I am now in a season of joy and restoration.  Many people ask me "why do you still live at home".  This is such a loaded and hard question to answer.  It is part of my story of the root to my pain.  I took a part of the pain and suffering my father went through in the last years of his life.  Cancer is not an addiction by ANY stretch of the imagination, but does cause pain and suffering for not only the person battling it but the family and friends surrounding them.  I want to emanate so much of my fathers restoration and love that I don't even need to use words. St. Francis of Assisi once said, "Preach the Gospel always, and when necessary use words".  

My dream, my passion my life long aspiration is to be a person of hope, to be an adversary for the weak, wounded and weary.  To take part of their burden if only for a season so they can be restored fully as God would long for them to be.  To love and respect those who need an encouraging spirit, for those who need a healing place to stay.  May my life forever emulate Gods love and healing power through the battles i've gone through and the people I care for. 

Restoration.

The dark parts of my heart consume me some nights.  Light is pushed out of my heart, and is replaced with fear.

fear of making a mistake

fear of being found out

fear of loving and not being loved

fear of being forgotten

fear of loosing my way

fear of not doing what is meant

fear of not achieving 

all these fears reside within the dark parts of my soul.  Many of them digging deeper roots than I could imagine. 

Then my Abba breaks through that darkness.  He uproots them one at a time, with care so that I am not wounded by the light.  His love is so deep, and cleansing my fears are turned into hope and resilience.

They are transformed and restored into

hope of gaining wisdom from mistakes

hope of being transparent and genuine

hope of being loved so deep by a man that is appointed by God

hope of being found by my Abba

hope of His footsteps being set before me

hope of declaring what God has for me in my life

hope of the excellence and achievement God has birthed me for and with

My fears are made new by my Fathers restoring power.  I praise Him today for this new revelation, and long to be found in adoration.

I pray daily for us.

           I pray daily for you.  I pray daily for me.  I pray daily for them.

I see, hear, and taste a passion that no one can express not even I - for a people, a generation of children and individuals, oppressed and alone.

I long to share that with you, but I have done so, so many times with others.  I thought it was appropriate to share my feelings with those who have gone before you, but so many times its been a disappointment after our friendship disintegrated. 

I pray daily for you, the real you.  The one who is genuine and true.  You speak of wisdom and justice, mercy, and tough love.  The one who will love and respect, honor and boast, of Gods blessings bestowed upon you through me.

I pray daily for me, so that I may submit to him but also may be free to be passionate.  That I may wake up daily longing to spend each moment with you fighting the cause of the weary, lonely, the unjust.

I pray daily for them.  So that these children may know their full value and worth.  That they may be loved by me, and someday you.  That today they would know of their Fathers love through my mothers heart God has blessed me with.  That they would be cherished and empowered to be the children of God they were born to be.

I pray daily for us, that we might know the love of God and one day find ourselves loving Him and each other the way we are meant to.

the time traveller.

I ache from hard days

I long for days in which I cannot see right now

I miss days past

I remember walking in the field with my family picking flowers in which the weeds that were disguised as flowers were my favorite.

I look forward and long for the day I can do the same with my own family.

I love the resilient kids I get to hang out with day after day, they teach me so much.

I miss the summer of 08 in which I was exposed to poverty and wealth in the same city - both full of happiness and sadness alike.

I remember the days I was all he ever wanted.

Now I am the girl from his past.

I remember laying next to you in your hospital bed as you breathed heavily, and I longed for the moment to never end.  

I lay here alone and empty missing your advice, wisdom and our talks about music and art.

I long for the day in which I am loved the way my father would long for me to be.

I know that this time alone, should be and will be spent with my father getting to know Him, as He shows me who He desires me to be.

I remember that girl I used to be, and now I am the who I wanted to be.

The past and the present collide on a daily basis and combine to create my actions, thoughts, words.  I pray everyday that what has happened in the past will all work for good to bring glory to God my Father.

Life moves slow, but at a fast pace.

When I was a young girl my summers were slow, and my days were long.  I would run around my neighborhood in bare feet, and ride my bike all day.  I would come in the house with dirty feet, and grab a Popsicle or two.   I had a good childhood -one I should be proud of now.   At the time I thought that every "bad thing" that happened to me was the end of the world.  

Now I sit on my bed thinking after a long week of reverting back to childhood for Kids Camp.  It was great, I forgot how childlike my heart was/is.  Its funny when you experience nothing but real life, hard events in your life - your/my heart that was once childlike and carefree turned stale and numb.  I still love people with my heart, just not the whole thing. . . maybe.  

Maybe I think because so many have left/passed/gotten sick in the past 5 years I think everyone will do so.  I don't know what the reason for my lethargy of heart - maybe its fear of being left again, either way I just feel too tired to love, to care, to pour into.  

I was speaking today with my mom about grieving and she read that it never really ends, you just learn to live with it.  I never wanted to learn to live with the passing of my father, I never wanted to attend weddings and find myself in the bathroom waiting for the song to end so I didn't have to watch the father-daughter dance.  I never wanted to look around and wonder what happened to the full of life family I once knew, and long for the days I (at the time) despised.

What has happened to time, to my childlike heart.  If you know where it is, can you tell it to come back home.  This summer it is my mission to restore my childlike heart, but gain wisdom with age.  My mission is to heal and be healed.  I want to learn to listen to God's heart closely so I can understand His plan through the pain.  I would like to walk closer to my father so that I can see his footsteps before me, instead of pain and heart ache around me.  

Life seems moves so slow when you're waiting for things to happen - but when you grow older and look back at your childhood it seems as though its moved too fast.  

Not my poetry... Respect.

The respected Amena Brown wrote a poem about a few good men.  Which are a. hard to find

b. frustrating beyond belief sometimes.  Here is a poem that allows me to remember that there are men out there that are good and God fearing, and reminds me to pray for them.  So enjoy, its gooooddd.

A Few Good Men

By: Amena J. Brown

His walk is R-E-S-P-E-C-T
He’s got tender loving care up his sleeve
He sees God in me like India.Arie
Something about his swagger
Something about his walk
I get all caught up in that truth he talks

His only game is telling me his name
Or asking for mine
He wants to know what I’m about
He wants to know if I’m about what he’s about 
For his character even God can vouch
Check his heavenly references
He’s got clout where it counts

He appreciates the complexity of a woman’s mind
Deserves words well seasoned and well defined
And did I mention that he was fine?
His good deeds may never make it to the news
But he showed me that chivalry has been resurrected as the new cool

He opens doors 
He walks on the outside nearest the street
He pulls out chairs 
Sometimes he pushes my cash away and says it’s his treat
Telling me it was his pleasure at the end of the night
Walking me to my car just to say good night
Insisting I call to let him know I made it home safe
He makes me feel safe because he is so secure
Imagine that even his sexiness is pure

He gives sweet and thoughtful gifts
Like conversations that take unexpected turns like jazz riffs
Leaving me wanting more of his music
More of his deep voice reflections
More of his intellectual connections
More of him

'Cause meeting a man like him is like finding a four-leaf clover 
You’ve been looking for one all your life
But never thought you'd get the chance to hold one
I can’t really say that he brings me good luck
But I do know he brings so much love, concern, intelligence
So much friendship, kinship, and common sense

If his status ain’t good, I ain’t checking for him
Better know how to be sweet if he’s looking at me
'Cause despite popular belie... size really does matter
A big heart can go a long way
A man who believes that obstacles won’t stop dreams can carry you a long way
He’s the kind who drapes his coat over your cold shoulders
Quick to correct you when you turn pebbles into boulders
His type of love grows stronger as the two of you get older

His love is patient, kind, his love waits
His love gives more than his love takes
Honesty is the first kind of love he makes
He takes his time
Cultivating a connection of the spiritual kind
Investigate his mind and you might find
Pages of psalm 139
I can read his life, line upon line
Discover how his heart aligns with God’s divine design
I am inclined to try to make him mine
But, all in due time

He doesn’t rush which makes his gentle touch mean so much
Just the thought of holding his hand makes me blush
To him, intimacy is a gift, not an expectation
Which means he skips all the compromising situations
He wants me to save my best and no playing games
He won’t ask for my body until he gives me his name

Take a few trifling experiences plus all the sad statistics 
And it might seem that a man like him no longer existed
I stand as a witness I’ve encountered a few
I treasure them for all the gentlemanly things they do
I cherish them for the good men they are
The kind of men that a woman can trust with her heart

amen... haha.

Healer!?

   One thing I have learned this past year is that God is our healer no matter what, even if we have "unanswered prayers".  We as humans have these small minds that make this list as to what we want from God (a new car because we deserve it- check, more money because we tithe - check, a bigger house because the other family in church has one - check, healing from any physical ailment in our bodies - check?)

   My father had cancer for 5 years, and I prayed off and on for his healing - maybe it was my lack of faith that allowed him to pass away, or .......maybe my father was healed and my prayers were answered?  Why do we ask for healing and then expect it will be on this earth?  Now thats a skeptical way of looking at healing -- but is it?  God healed my father in the most amazing way possible - emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.. He brought him to a place where no more hurt would be felt, no more pain would be inflicted!.. and im glad for that.  

Now shifting views towards a man that many christians judge and hold disgust for.  Michael Guglimucci. (http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,24216087-5006787,00.html)

He wrote the song Healer, which I think is one of the most amazing songs ever written!

Although recently it came out that he had falsely admitted he had terminal cancer.  This was HUGE in Aussieland because he lead a church of large masses, and his song was featured on hillsong's reccent cd/dvd.  

   There was a huge uproar when it was found that he didn't have cancer - ever.  Churches in North Amercia stopped singing his song.. what?.. we what?  Why in the world would we stop singing a song that was obviously from God?  This is a serious example of how God uses those who are broken weary, leaning on God because they are DESPERATE.  This man wrote a song that he obviously believed in, even though he did not struggle with cancer - he did struggle with an addiction to porn, and mental illness.  He felt that he couldn't come out and speak about it because He would be looked down upon.. wow.  

    What has our church come to, that we cannot be honest with one another?, we can't share our struggles?  Its because we as christians are so judgmental - ie: when we stopped singing this song.  We didn't pull the story out of the bible about Rahab (who was a prostitute- living in sin), we read it and ponder on it often thinking.. "God can use anyone, at any point in their lives".  I am thankful that Mike Gugglimucci's secret was found out, so that he can be held accountable, but also be loved by people.  I understand as a leader he was responsible for many people's lives, and many people were hurt by his lies - but why do we put men upon pedestals?  

   I think about this man constantly, and remember that we are all capable of sinning and allowing it to get so big that it causes people to feel hurt.  But it also reminds me to be honest with my friends and family about what Im going through, what struggles Im having.  I am hoping that one day a man can be allowed to write a song in the church about being healed from pornography and it be ok with church leaders and christians alike.  This is where hypocricy comes from, many christians and faith believing people do not talk about their struggles, we christians are perceived as perfect, without sin.  We are all sinful and fall short, this does not justify living in sin, but it does mean we have to be transparent and discuss what we are struggling with.  When things like mikes struggle with lying and porn comes out we are all shocked as if we don't sin daily?... 

I remember attending church the sunday after my dad passed, with my arms raised as high as i could singing healer as loud as I could.  My father had been healed, Mike Gugglimucci is in the process of being healed, and I am trying to be transparent and honest with my family and friends daily so that I'm not wearing my christian mask. 

Jessica.

day by day,

sometimes I find myself lost amongst the business of this life.  When I slow down I realize, I am not who I truly could be, or should be.

Am I really who I portray myself to be in all instances of my life? or am a some version of myself with every different group and every different situation. 

I used to think that being a camelian was a good thing, fitting in every situation - just being yourself but altering moods/thoughts to fit into any group.  Its good to be flexible, but to change?

I am still trying to find my way ... still trying to live this life independently so I can prove to myself I can, and become a stronger person.  Some days i try and rely on myself, those are the days I fall, fumble and break down.  Day after day I wake up, make mistakes, ask forgiveness, go to sleep and start all over again.  I have a tendency to look ahead too far, to not stay in the moment God has put me in.  But today, just for today I am going to stay in this moment, be who I truly am, without apologizing, and tomorrow wake up and try it all over again.

Two different.

Two different?

are we too different?  we are two people

you have a strong mind

I have a strong heart

you have strong arms

I need to be held when I am weak

I see the beauty in music

you hear music

I see art in everyday life

you see intellect and logic

Can we compliment one another, or are we two different people?

paraplegic blind woman.

I miss you like a paraplegic misses walking

Some days more than others, today is that day.  

Today I want to lay in bed and stare at the wall, I want to do nothing, say nothing, think nothing.  I want to feel selfish and lay in bed all day, and try to forget the world, try to forget how much I ache inside.

Some place in my heart cries out for your affirmation, it comes out every once in awhile, and I don’t know how to express it, or even explain it.  I feel within me somedays I just need to be called beautiful, or smart or a good cook even though sometimes I’m not.  I want to bet on the grammy’s, watch the food network, and listen to obscure music with you.  

Why can’t I find anyone to do those things with, and why can’t it be the same?  Why don't I feel the same.

Instead I miss you like a blind woman misses the brilliant colors of June.

This is the same.

   You are the same, no different as every man who stood before you in this place.

   You subtly reinforce that we are not worth the time, the patience, the wait.

   But I am.

  

 I know I am worth it, and I'm not willing to stand here in this place and allow myself to feel the way I've felt so many times before.  

Maybe thats not fair because it was them, and not you that reinforced it.  

Maybe its not fair because you probably have no idea of the impact of your actions, or non   actions.

But I am choosing not to budge or move on this issue.  Its a non negotiable.  

--To guard my heart and not open it unless you are someone who is confident enough to have patience, character, understanding, perceptiveness, and enduring love.

So today "nothing will happen unless I decide, because

I choose to be the best that I can be, I choose to be authentic in everything.... 

my past does not dictate who I am."

sackcloth and ashes

I’ve been turning over tables in my own living room for years, but has it changed anything?

I’ve tried to work from the inside of an organization to see change on the outside, but I grew tired and gave up.  I went somewhere where the change was already made.. almost.  Was that right in the eyes of God, Im unsure?

I’m dressed in a disguise, to fit into the culture so people will think I am the same, but in my heart I am different.  My eyes are different, my hands are different, my words are different -- or so I’d like to think.

Why is it so hard to be in this world and not of it.  I know what God wants from me, but why am I not willing to give up my money, my whole heart, the things that comfort me and my whole life?

Some days I am willing to put on sack cloth and ashes and walk through the city, but somedays I put on my name brand shoes, leather jacket and sit in a complacent building full of other people who are willing to compromise.

when will I be willing to stand up within that building, tear off the chains that are tied around our bodies and put on the sack cloth and ashes? When will I begin to pray?

so frustrated

   this life seems so mundane and hard at the same time.  Things consume my time, and my time consumes me.  This world continually spins, but I feel like I can't move from the place I'm standing in.  I want to change, I want to grow I want to move forward but Im stuck being this person.  I'm stuck in this place, Im stuck thinking the same things over and over.

   Why can't I change, "it just takes hard work".

   What do I have to give,  "everything that is within me."

   Am I really smart enough,  "you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you".

So I sit here in the library pondering the concepts of theory vs practical and think... 

     I just want to escape this reality and watch tv.

   

How can you comprehend a love like this?

It hit me tonight like a hurricane.. Gods love.

we can't understand it, nor are we consciously aware of it.  

We contextualize things in our tiny brains.. the way WE feel when we are disappointed, or afraid of rejection or are untrusting. 

But God is always there, loving us.  When we sin, when we are angry with Him,  when we IGNORE him.. he's always there.  He's a jealous God, but He without reserve loves us?

I can never really understand His love for me, I keep listening to this song over and over.. trying to comprehend what His love feels like, what it means to me.. but I never can quite get there.

I feel so far from that love.. I feel I put up walls of unworthiness that are full of regrets.  How can I deserve the kind of love you thrust on me? How do I with all of the things I've done against you consciously thank you for the love you give to me, when I know that for my whole life I will keep making mistakes.. and hurt you.  Why can't this life be a place where we understand what your love looks like.  It comes in so many forms and shapes, that I sometimes feel as though Im empty... I'm all tapped out of love to give, but in my emptiness, weakness, you are so strong.. you show your love so much more than I can understand or comprehend sometimes.  

tonight as I think about my saviour I think about the way He loves me.

even though Im sinful, daily.

even though I yell at him when things don't go my way

even though I ignore him daily

even though I take His name in vain.

he loves us, oh how he loves us.

tonight " my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I dont have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us...."

The love of my life.

In years past I've searched for you, i've tried to find the love that I felt was missing from my heart.  I thought I could find it in a man, in acceptance of my friends, in doing well in school.

None of these things satisfied the yearnings of my soul.

 

I gave myself emotionally to so many people; friends putting more time than they did into the friendships, and chasing boys who were no good for me.

None of these things satisfied the yearnings of my soul.

I tried to be hard.  I don't care how people treated me.  I put off this perception of strength mixed with a hardness.  I don't let people see me cry, but I do it all the time.  The hardness has taught me that its not who I want to be, I want a soft heart, one that reaches out and is emotionally intelligent. 

None of these things satisfied the yearnings of my soul.

Only one man has done the ultimate, he's laid down his life for mine.  He's been there all along, proving himself to me time and time again.  Why do I turn away from the one man who's done it all for me?  Why do I forget he died, so that I may be free?

  Only one man has satisfied the yearnings of my soul, and will continue to do so for eternity.

So today I take the time to remember, what He did, and how I don't even deserve His love.  Today I take the time to reflect on how Im living, and how He wants me to.  Today I make a conscious effort to remember the promises I've made, and today I try all over again to be the daughter He calls me to be.

Mending.

you are worth more than that.

Do you know that you have value, worth, and are brilliant.  

Because you are - but you don't treat your heart that way.  

You don't keep that beating heart in your chest, but you hold it in your hands trying to give it away.

  

You tried to give it to me, but I couldn't take care of it - so I refused to take it.

I held mine tight in my hands, because I knew it was being mended, slowly.  

A heart that wasn't mended yet wasn't what you needed, because yours is mending slowly but you don't even know it. 

But you still hold your heart in your hands out stretched to that girl who doesn't even know who she is, but knows what she wants - your love, your time, your words.  

They were once all for me, but now they are given to any girl who will take that precious heart of yours.

I pray that one day you will know your value, your worth and that you can make it on your own.

Just like I am trying to make it on my own day, by day.

I want you to know that I  care for you, and I do miss you 

                         - but I can never take that precious heart from you.

I've gotta find peace of mind.

I've gotta find peace of mind.

You don't even know, but you probably do.  You cannot leave your foot in the door (of my heart), I will not allow it to be there anymore.  Today I am taking back my heart.  God my father wants all of me, not just a small part.  He pursues me, he loves me, he sings over me, he breathes life into my lifeless body. 

After suffering such great loss at 23, I cannot, will not, should not expect this.  I should not expect the loss of my heart, my feelings, my words.  So today, I lay it down, all four years of feeling tied up in knots, of expecting you to be someone you are not.  

I lay it down, and choose to pick up my heart, give it to the one who will take it with care.  

He asked for this year, not you.  He asked for me to make a commitment, you didn't.  

He is the love of my life, you are not.  

I choose peace of mind, instead of you.

Nicholas

How can you live like this, night after night with the screaming, the drunkenness.
you are so ressilant, but will you always be?

I live with insanity, but of a different kind. I have found coping mechanisms, have you?
How can you live like that?, how can you believe this is what life is?

this is not life, you do not deserve to be yelled at, you do not deserve to be aware of these things.
your innocence has been robbed, your heart has been scarred.

I sit in my room with my music turned up because of the yelling
you sit in your room holding your pillow against your face, hoping he passes out.

How can you suceed in such a chaotic enviroment?
How can I suceed in such a chaotic enviroment?

You do not have to grow up like him, I do not have to grow up like them.

We must be resilliant, how can we be different.

13th times a charm.

Some days its a struggle to breath, to keep giving to keep moving. But I'm trying to be that person you want me to be. I want to wake up early in the morning and spend time with you, I want to work before my family rises making sure things are taken care of. I want to be diligent to do what you ask of me, but I keep slipping up, forgetting the promises. I keep giving into what this world expects and the norms they require of me. I want to live differently, walk differently, love without holding back. But we're all selfish, vain, cynical, and jaded from hurtful experiences in this life
- so some days to love without reserve is nearly impossible.

I want to pick that transvestite man off the ground who just fell of his bicycle and hold him till he's sober. I want to listen to that gang member that was sexually abused as a child, and sees no future for himself.
I want to encourage and empower a generation of women to rise above medias standards for us, and become the self respecting brilliant humans God longs for us to be.
I want to stand in front of the child who gets beaten daily and protect her from pain and suffering
I want to shelter those who have no home, and love them till they can find two feet to stand on.

I want to become the person God longs for me to become - but today I lay in bed selfishly longing for someone to hold me.

again, I find the strength to get out of bed pull myself together and try to be better.

Tired.

Tired. . . 

                   of running

             of you running in my head

       of doing, being, giving, to all of you

of not doing enough, doing too much

of being afraid of love, being a afraid not to love, afraid of being unlovely.

   why do I fear so much when I know what love is from the one who 

     created it?

    

         Tired. . .  of being tired.

 

Barefoot troubadour(s)

(Disclaimer to the reader... potentially unfinished..)

   like a troubadour you walked into my life barefoot singing songs of justice and mercy hoping to change the world.  Although wearing shoes, I wanted to change the world too, so I sang along.  

I questioned the lyrics a time or two but we both sang them together.  

You played your chords opening the lines of music symmetry we began to sing forte, and then fortissimo along the streets proclaiming our lyrics.  

In the park that night we sat quietly listening to each others scales and singing lyrics we'd never sung to others before.  

As the warmth of that summer concluded a part of my song passed away.  I needed your lyrics, your musicality, to keep me going, but another artist brought you shoes for the winter and you began to sing along.  

Today I stand here alone like a barefoot troubadour, singing songs of justice and mercy to those who believe it - knowing I can change the world.  

resurrect me.

Dear God,

Please resurrect me.

I am very tired.. of trying to do it myself, trying to create love and peace myself.

Why do I put my trust in myself,  humans, things that I can see, and hear ---- 

when I should throw my hands up in the air and cry out to the one who creates it all - You.

I see it in the rain, in the sunset, in the eyes of a small child, but I don't recognize it in my own life.  I want to be more like You, I want to see those things you set your eyes on.  I want to hear the words that only you do, I want my mind to glorify You.  More than anything I want to live among those children who need love, and peace to be their strength.  I want to walk on the streets of the weary and broken and speak truth, I want to SPEAK truth.

I feel like all I'm doing is existing, is being here.  I want to be more than this person in this place -- I want to be resurrected from this life.  I feel so far away from who or where I want to be.  Six months ago I felt like I was alive, and in the place you called me to, but now I feel so far away from your will.. but am I ??

God in this moment.. speak truth, empower me to do the same daily.  break my ideals, thoughts, and replace them with your own.   Replace my eyes, my ears, my heart, my spirit, my hands, my feet with Yours so that I can live more like you want me to.

Sincerely,

 a willingly broken heart.

  

you took it.

you took my possessions that in reality mean nothing, but yet everything to me.
why did you force yourself into my space, I never meant for you to be there.
Im so upset and frustrated because you took it when I needed to feel safe, and not violated.
why does the loss of this meaningless material item make me feel so vulnerable?
you now have access to my life in a way no one does, and it makes me feel naked.
why did you need to deviate from norms, and rules to strip me of my shell.


I hope you know how much God loves you and wants you to do the right thing.
I hope you see that this wasn't the only answer, that there is so much you are capable of.
I hope you know that I forgive you even though you've left me feeling sick to my stomach and upset.
I hope that one day you understand that taking from someone else doesn't replace what you don't have.
I pray one day you'll be blessed like I was/am.

sisters.

you speak quickly and with such passion
I wish you didn't live so far away
the second week we knew each other, we knew we'd be soul sisters
we lived together for three whole months, and exchanged hearts.

even though we're miles and miles apart our solidarity still remains.
Although we live in our hometowns, we're both wandering souls.
We know what we want, but dont know where to begin.
One day we'll be in the same place again - serving along one another fighting for the cause of the poor, weary, and innocent.

you are my sister, and I miss you!

Mars/Venus love/hate.

Why do we struggle to understand one another
You are from mars, we are from venus.

in what world is it ok to act like that?
is it because we speak different languages or just to lazy to take the time to understand.

we say sorry, then we hurt one another
why is it ok to treat another human in such a way?

why can't we be friends? Why can't we be lovers?
our misunderstandings cause so much pain, which taints our view of one another.

One day they say we'll "look back and think, we were so young and naive."
but I see marriages all over the world dysfunctional and disoragnized because we are still young
and naive.

The distance between mars and venus is so far, but yet so close.

lyrics from a 17 year old

My life is a song.

The back beat is the foundation.
It is the strength in the song, that is consistently playing.

The vocalists are the people in my life.
Each singing a lyrics some singing louder than others, but each breathing life into the song.

The instruments are played with strength. Each instrument has been practiced diligently, pushing through painstaking effort; bringing character, love, and wisdom to the song.

Each part tie my song, my life, my world together.

When Harry met Sally is when I met insanity

your lyrics and words come so easily. You speak with such humility and grace, that im amazed you are still here, in my life.

There is something about you that shone so bright when I first met you. Four years ago.
Its been a long journey, and i've grown so incredibly much, have you?
where are you at now, I guess i'll find out in a month or two weeks. I never know.
Always un/predictiable, always incredible.

There is not another person like you. You are smart, confedient, wise, shy, and strong .. but do you know all of that? You should, because I tell you.

Lets go back to the summer, lets go back to downtown walks and late night concerts.
Lets go back to whit, lists, and double talk.

India said it best when she sang...
"The moment that we met, he made me smile. He has so much compassion in his eyes I have no idea, how long he’ll be here A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life I’m not worried about the future Because we have such a wonderful time when we’re together However things turn out, it’s all right Cause he’s already changed my life."

What is love? Baby don't hurt me, no more.

There is something so beautiful about writing your feelings down in a blog, or on paper.

I always prefer paper, so I can draw my feelings too.. but there is something so amazing about sharing your feelings with others, it begins to change to a collective feeling - and your not alone in the ways you think and feel. So Im about to become very candid.

I think theres something so real about loving someone, but i've never truly done so.

I love children, and people without reserve, but when it comes to real true love, i've never done so. I've never been in it, nor have I felt it.

I've cared very deeply for a few people, in which it all ended in either myself ending it or them. That feeling of disapointment makes you change your view of what love is. I've always felt love was about black and white, but this human love is really about greys. They always overcome what I think and believe about "love".

The greys are the other girls that step in, and stand where I once stood.

Which in retrospect was the best thing. Those I choose to put my hope and trust in always let me down, and maybe its because its what I expected - so I choose those who I knew wouldn't love me the way I deserved.

Grandeur love between a man and woman is something i've never really understood, not because I don't believe in it - but because i've never experienced it.

Some days I long for it, others I don't want any part of the "wave" that is love

--that overcomes those who fall into it. I hate that people fall in love and gain those feelings they loose or change their passion for what they previously loved, because its redirected to another person.

When I fall in love, I want to truly love without reserve.. but I still want to love children, the tired, weary, and the unlovely.. the ones I was born to love. I don't want to give up things, I want it all. I never want to loose myself in a love that is not forever.

I sometimes feel upset that I'm not in love, and long for the day that I will be. What I've realized is that one day it will be the kind of love God made me to be in - a healthy love, one that doesn't have extra baggage (because we've taken time to deal with it), one that will last, and doesn't choose another over me. One that understands everlasting love, and the fact that it is all we truly need.

He choose me. He loves me.

I am already in love, and I can't wait to share that with another person one day, but for now I have all I need.

Love,

Jessica.

strength courage and wisdom, has been inside me all along.

Monday's were always a time of uncertainity, of wondering what would come at the end of the day. For years mondays brought the day of chemo for my dad, and I would either go with him or be home when he got there. It was always an uncertainity as to weather he was going to be sick or feel fine. He never knew, but was always afraid of that feeling. He was anxious, nervous, and sometimes didn't go because of that anxiety. He didn't want the week to be terrible, so he would "pass" chemo some weeks. I dont blame him. Last year after he passed away, I found myself feeling so so bad on mondays. Every monday began with class, and ended with me laying in bed in the dark, not at night, in the afternoons... I would lay there and just think, and mourn.

This time in my life... mondays bring anxiety but a different kind. I go to class, and then wait until I have to work. I work with a boy who has autisum for one hour on mondays and one on thursdays. Doesn't seem like a long time, but to me its the uncertainity that stresses me. I never know if had a bad day, or will need some extra help. Its not a hard task but it reminds me of years past... it forces me to deal with the pain, and frustration of who I was to my father, on those mondays. I would encourage him, I would lift his spirits and say dad.. you are going to have a "good day", knowing that it might not be a good day.. I didn't know. I dont know a lot of things. I hate not knowing things, maybe thats why this day brings anxiety. I want to strip myself of that anxiety, and know that my father has my future, the next hour, the next minute. He has them all in his hand, and protects me., and I love him for that.

I think this year I have thought too much about the next step, and not been reminded about the moment. A young man in my social work class mentioned a moment he had with an elderly lady reccently... she told him "young people today are always living for the future, never thinking about the moment, always worrying and thinking about the future, but they never stop in the moment and think about that". It got me thinking.. why do I need to text someone, instead of waiting till I see them, why do I need to worry about those TWO HOURS in my week that I have to answer yes/no questions and maintain his anxiety. Instead I should be in the moment, I should thinking about today, not the future. There is a time to plan, and I time to look forward, but for now.. im enjoying the sun of this day, Iam enjoying each moment so that I can be completely here. The past is gone... the pain of those mondays has ceased, sometimes I long for it, but right now.. I long for lunch.

we can be richer than industry as long as we know there are things we don't need.

   I got really mad at God today.... for things that are really MY fault.  I live in this space of the world that promotes socialization through eating out and buying things, that perpetuates the idea that more is better, and cosmetics are more appealing than natural beauty.   I want to live in a place where eating out isn't an option, and buying new clothes isn't a stress reliever.  I want to live in a place where walking barefoot is the way of life.  I never thought I would be that person.. that wants to be free.. I thought I would always want new shoes, and a pretty haircut.  All I long for right now is to run around with children in the heat of the day and tell them they are beautiful no matter where they come from.  

   This whole thought began with thoughts of LA.. which my summer was a total contradiction.  I spent time in the ghettos, and projects of LA.. but then I went down to the americana at night and walked the carefully cut grass (which we weren't even allowed to step on), and for a minute forgot about the poverty just down the road.   I don't want to forget about the poverty or the injustice those children experience everyday.  I want to live next to them, I want to stand up for them.  I want to play in the streets with them.  I want to wake up every morning and pray to God that my entire being emanates his love for those who are starving for love, peace, and food.

I don't want to live in a place where girls think you might steal their boyfriends for no apparent reason, I don't want to sit in star bucks and pay 5 bucks for a  coffee anymore, I want to be free from this materialistic part of the world and I want to do life differently.  I want to be free from university where students file into classes after driving their BMW's just to learn what other people want to teach us, and and drink their americanas from starbucks. 

but today I sit in my warm house, and listen to music on myspace, only to think.. I wish I had more clothes.  

I am a hypocrite, but today I want to change that.  I want to think differently, I want to walk into a store barefoot (in the summer), I want to hang out downtown and hand out scarfs, I want live life the way Jesus would.

I want to start today.  Where do I even begin?  

January 20th 2009

This date will forever stand out in our mind, because with the rising of today's sun there is a new dawn.. a dawn of change.

I agree that this day is a day of history and I definitely will tell my children one day where I was and who I watched the inauguration with. I like the fact that both the president and the vice president began their term with a church service, and many prayers. The beginning of a long term, that will have many challenges and hardships - he and his family will need the prayers.

But on this day, I'm giving the credit to God. I believe that only He can bring about hope and change. This change would never have been possible without faith in God, and it has brought the Obama's family thus far.

So on this day, I want to remember that through God all things are possible.
The United States which long ago believed and practiced slavery, now has begun to believe that all people are created equal. This is truly a day to remember.

Equality, hope and change are shown today and through God...all things are possible.

Of Death and Dreaming

I seem to dream of you Alot these days. Dreaming in colour and reality.
Everyone acts as though they don't realize that you'll be gone when I wake up.
But I know.
I was always the one who knew that you'd be gone one day.

You were a mirror for me, you displayed my image the way I never saw myself.
I saw the good parts of myself in you.
I still do.
I see you when I dream
but im still the only one who knows you'll be gone,
when I wake up.