I always prefer paper, so I can draw my feelings too.. but there is something so amazing about sharing your feelings with others, it begins to change to a collective feeling - and your not alone in the ways you think and feel. So Im about to become very candid.
I think theres something so real about loving someone, but i've never truly done so.
I love children, and people without reserve, but when it comes to real true love, i've never done so. I've never been in it, nor have I felt it.
I've cared very deeply for a few people, in which it all ended in either myself ending it or them. That feeling of disapointment makes you change your view of what love is. I've always felt love was about black and white, but this human love is really about greys. They always overcome what I think and believe about "love".
The greys are the other girls that step in, and stand where I once stood.
Which in retrospect was the best thing. Those I choose to put my hope and trust in always let me down, and maybe its because its what I expected - so I choose those who I knew wouldn't love me the way I deserved.
Grandeur love between a man and woman is something i've never really understood, not because I don't believe in it - but because i've never experienced it.
Some days I long for it, others I don't want any part of the "wave" that is love
--that overcomes those who fall into it. I hate that people fall in love and gain those feelings they loose or change their passion for what they previously loved, because its redirected to another person.
When I fall in love, I want to truly love without reserve.. but I still want to love children, the tired, weary, and the unlovely.. the ones I was born to love. I don't want to give up things, I want it all. I never want to loose myself in a love that is not forever.
I sometimes feel upset that I'm not in love, and long for the day that I will be. What I've realized is that one day it will be the kind of love God made me to be in - a healthy love, one that doesn't have extra baggage (because we've taken time to deal with it), one that will last, and doesn't choose another over me. One that understands everlasting love, and the fact that it is all we truly need.
He choose me. He loves me.
I am already in love, and I can't wait to share that with another person one day, but for now I have all I need.
Love,
Jessica.
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