Saturday, August 21, 2010

July 31st, 2010 - The truth

I laid on his bed tonight thinking "why am I here?". There was no reason for me to be there, but still I laid there staring at the screen trying not move in a way that would insinuate I wanted his affection. There's something intriguing about being close to a man, that I've never experienced before. I've never really been touched by someone who's loved me with his whole heart. I've never been held by a man who's known every part of me, and wanted to know more.

So I laid there listening to his meaningless words, his endless attempts to be physically closer to me - when emotionally we were strangers. There's nothing appealing about this moment to me. I kept thinking, this would be nice if I cared about him. So I politely said "no thanks" to his advances, and excused myself. Although he tried to force me, I stood my ground and left his apartment. On the way out I decided I would never lay on a mans bed again, unless he's asked my hand in marriage. I decided that I need to be persued, and although the wait is agony, its worth it.

The truth is, one day, when all is said and done, and the man I will spend the rest of my life with asks if he can kiss me, I will say yes, I've waited for you.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

P.O.W. solid poem.

By Alicia Keys

I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head

I trap myself further
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid
I am a P.O.W.

Not a prisoner of war
A prisoner of words
Like a soldier
I'm a fighter
Yet only a puppet
Mostly I only say
What you wanna hear
Could you take it if I came clear?
Or would you rather see me
Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise

I guess that's what I am
Scraping this cold earth
For a piece of myself
For peace in myself
It'd be easier if you put me in jail
If you locked me away
I'd have someone to blame
But these bars of steel are of my making
They surround my mind
And have me shaking
My hands are cuffed behind my back
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact
A prisoner of compromise

A prisoner of compassion
A prisoner of kindness
A prisoner of expectation
A prisoner of my youth

Run too fast to be old
I've forgotten what I was told
Ain't I a sight to behold?
A prisoner of age dying to be young
To my head is my hand with a gun
And it's cold and it's hard
Cause there's nowhere to run
When you've caged yourself
By holding your tongue
I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
It's like solitary confinement
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid


My whole life... MY WHOLE LIFE - I thought I had to act like the person they thought I was.

I had to act like a lady, smile even though I was fed up, and do things for others that I REALLY didn't want to.
Sometimes I don't talk about what's really going on in my mind because I think "who the hell is really going to care?". I've talked before about things on my heart, and things Im passionate about and usually people give me one of two reactions

1. thats good Jessica which means "shut up, you really don't think like that" or 2. a smile that says "I'm only half listening"

Somedays SOMEDAYS I wish people acted the way they wanted, loved more than is allowed, said what was truly on their minds, and allowed themselves to be truly real.

So in this lifetime, IN THIS DAY Im going to act like I care - when I actually do, and say "no" when I don't want to do something because being true to myself and real with others matters more to me than being pleasant and the person they believe I am.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Slow down.

Slow Down - India Arie
"Thinking the faster that I go
The faster that I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth.
I thought that all of my obstacles were behind me.
Walking around like I'm made out of diamond.
I tripped and fell and it reminded me to move over and let the angels guide me."

India arie's lyrics often speak straight into my life. Above I quoted the song "slow down", and it speaks right to where I'm at. Yesterday I hurt myself again, I dropped my phone, I smacked my head. What else is new? I break, chip, scratch, and destroy everything. I was so frustrated with this destructive trait of mine that I asked my friend who is, oh so wise "why do I hurt myself all the time", she replied "Jessica, I was thinking about this today, and I realized its because you do everything too fast". I thought about it, and realized, I do things WAY too fast. I jump to conclusions, I want to get too much done too soon, I set unrealistic goals for myself, and I do too much in a short amount of time.

I need to slow down, Im going to fast, I've got my hands in the air, with my feet on the gas. I don't know where this trait came from, or why I feel I need to do it all - but it just crept up on me. Now I live with a messy room, a broken phone, a cracked screen on my computer, and I don't take the time to actually get to know people. My mind works fast, my heart moves on faster.

I need to take each day as it comes, each moment, I need to listen when spoken too, I need to listen to my momma more often, and I need to slow down baby....

Monday, July 19, 2010

They say

What they say, goes. It gets brought up in a discussion "but they say we should turn this way", or used as a validation for a point "they say its better to love and have lost then to never have loved at all". Who are THEY anyways? Who are they to judge what is right in every situation, in every moment.

They said that I probably wouldn't make it to university. I remember my teachers not believing I was smart, they might not have said it, but they said it with their looks and disbelief in my abilities. They never gave me chances to learn, be educated, or create. They said i'd never make it - I'm almost there. They've been saying my whole life who I am - white, good with kids, pretty looking, kind, the good one. - and who I will be, a good wife, mother, citizen, etc.

They say lots of things.

They say this year that although I did well in school Im not eligible for a program I've been working towards for 3 years. They said that my dream of becoming what I thought I was supposed to isn't offered to me at this time. They said I should continue with my current track of study.

They also say that maybe I should go out with him, maybe I should kiss him, maybe I should move away, maybe I should stay, maybe I should try this or that. They say too much, think too much, put too much on me.

I say that I am smart and beautiful and patient but sometimes tested too far. I say that inside Im angry and mean, and arrogant. I say that I can make it through anything that comes up against me, I say that I want to kiss him or date that one, but I say I know its not what I need right now. I say that this program isn't the right thing for me, and maybe I knew it all along but wanted to prove to myself I could fit into their mould, I could create within the institution. I say that I heard along time ago that the Lord knew the plans for my life to prosper not to hard me, to give me a hope AND a future.

I say that today Im going to stop listening to them, and begin listening to Him, I will believe only what God tells me about myself and not even what I think about myself. I will only listen to wise women and men who've lived long enough and struggled with pain for years and know God, because those who have not - have nothing to say.

They have nothing to say. Then why are we are all still listening.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I want some of your brown sugar.

I've missed you everyday for two years.

I watched brown sugar today and thought of you.

damn you, and your stubborn distance.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

in my minds eye.

I can see beyond what is real and what is unspoken. I can tell what you do not want to be truth, and what is screaming inside of you. This isn't because I am smart, or I studied psychology or because I've had a lot of experience with people. I am a 25 year old woman who longs to hear those words that people don't speak out-loud, that wants to allow God to move to speak love into brokenness and destruction.

In my minds eye I can see your face, from two years ago. I can tell that you would be proud of me now. That your love had brought me to see the unseen, your encouragement keeps me moving even when I feel I cannot go on. In my minds eye I can see Him in all that I do, I can see Him in my love for others, I can see Him in the life my father lived.

In my mind's eye, Horatio.