Monday, February 2, 2009

strength courage and wisdom, has been inside me all along.

Monday's were always a time of uncertainity, of wondering what would come at the end of the day. For years mondays brought the day of chemo for my dad, and I would either go with him or be home when he got there. It was always an uncertainity as to weather he was going to be sick or feel fine. He never knew, but was always afraid of that feeling. He was anxious, nervous, and sometimes didn't go because of that anxiety. He didn't want the week to be terrible, so he would "pass" chemo some weeks. I dont blame him. Last year after he passed away, I found myself feeling so so bad on mondays. Every monday began with class, and ended with me laying in bed in the dark, not at night, in the afternoons... I would lay there and just think, and mourn.

This time in my life... mondays bring anxiety but a different kind. I go to class, and then wait until I have to work. I work with a boy who has autisum for one hour on mondays and one on thursdays. Doesn't seem like a long time, but to me its the uncertainity that stresses me. I never know if had a bad day, or will need some extra help. Its not a hard task but it reminds me of years past... it forces me to deal with the pain, and frustration of who I was to my father, on those mondays. I would encourage him, I would lift his spirits and say dad.. you are going to have a "good day", knowing that it might not be a good day.. I didn't know. I dont know a lot of things. I hate not knowing things, maybe thats why this day brings anxiety. I want to strip myself of that anxiety, and know that my father has my future, the next hour, the next minute. He has them all in his hand, and protects me., and I love him for that.

I think this year I have thought too much about the next step, and not been reminded about the moment. A young man in my social work class mentioned a moment he had with an elderly lady reccently... she told him "young people today are always living for the future, never thinking about the moment, always worrying and thinking about the future, but they never stop in the moment and think about that". It got me thinking.. why do I need to text someone, instead of waiting till I see them, why do I need to worry about those TWO HOURS in my week that I have to answer yes/no questions and maintain his anxiety. Instead I should be in the moment, I should thinking about today, not the future. There is a time to plan, and I time to look forward, but for now.. im enjoying the sun of this day, Iam enjoying each moment so that I can be completely here. The past is gone... the pain of those mondays has ceased, sometimes I long for it, but right now.. I long for lunch.

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