Saturday, July 4, 2009

Life moves slow, but at a fast pace.

When I was a young girl my summers were slow, and my days were long.  I would run around my neighborhood in bare feet, and ride my bike all day.  I would come in the house with dirty feet, and grab a Popsicle or two.   I had a good childhood -one I should be proud of now.   At the time I thought that every "bad thing" that happened to me was the end of the world.  

Now I sit on my bed thinking after a long week of reverting back to childhood for Kids Camp.  It was great, I forgot how childlike my heart was/is.  Its funny when you experience nothing but real life, hard events in your life - your/my heart that was once childlike and carefree turned stale and numb.  I still love people with my heart, just not the whole thing. . . maybe.  
Maybe I think because so many have left/passed/gotten sick in the past 5 years I think everyone will do so.  I don't know what the reason for my lethargy of heart - maybe its fear of being left again, either way I just feel too tired to love, to care, to pour into.  

I was speaking today with my mom about grieving and she read that it never really ends, you just learn to live with it.  I never wanted to learn to live with the passing of my father, I never wanted to attend weddings and find myself in the bathroom waiting for the song to end so I didn't have to watch the father-daughter dance.  I never wanted to look around and wonder what happened to the full of life family I once knew, and long for the days I (at the time) despised.

What has happened to time, to my childlike heart.  If you know where it is, can you tell it to come back home.  This summer it is my mission to restore my childlike heart, but gain wisdom with age.  My mission is to heal and be healed.  I want to learn to listen to God's heart closely so I can understand His plan through the pain.  I would like to walk closer to my father so that I can see his footsteps before me, instead of pain and heart ache around me.  

Life seems moves so slow when you're waiting for things to happen - but when you grow older and look back at your childhood it seems as though its moved too fast.  

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