strength courage and wisdom, has been inside me all along.

Monday's were always a time of uncertainity, of wondering what would come at the end of the day. For years mondays brought the day of chemo for my dad, and I would either go with him or be home when he got there. It was always an uncertainity as to weather he was going to be sick or feel fine. He never knew, but was always afraid of that feeling. He was anxious, nervous, and sometimes didn't go because of that anxiety. He didn't want the week to be terrible, so he would "pass" chemo some weeks. I dont blame him. Last year after he passed away, I found myself feeling so so bad on mondays. Every monday began with class, and ended with me laying in bed in the dark, not at night, in the afternoons... I would lay there and just think, and mourn.

This time in my life... mondays bring anxiety but a different kind. I go to class, and then wait until I have to work. I work with a boy who has autisum for one hour on mondays and one on thursdays. Doesn't seem like a long time, but to me its the uncertainity that stresses me. I never know if had a bad day, or will need some extra help. Its not a hard task but it reminds me of years past... it forces me to deal with the pain, and frustration of who I was to my father, on those mondays. I would encourage him, I would lift his spirits and say dad.. you are going to have a "good day", knowing that it might not be a good day.. I didn't know. I dont know a lot of things. I hate not knowing things, maybe thats why this day brings anxiety. I want to strip myself of that anxiety, and know that my father has my future, the next hour, the next minute. He has them all in his hand, and protects me., and I love him for that.

I think this year I have thought too much about the next step, and not been reminded about the moment. A young man in my social work class mentioned a moment he had with an elderly lady reccently... she told him "young people today are always living for the future, never thinking about the moment, always worrying and thinking about the future, but they never stop in the moment and think about that". It got me thinking.. why do I need to text someone, instead of waiting till I see them, why do I need to worry about those TWO HOURS in my week that I have to answer yes/no questions and maintain his anxiety. Instead I should be in the moment, I should thinking about today, not the future. There is a time to plan, and I time to look forward, but for now.. im enjoying the sun of this day, Iam enjoying each moment so that I can be completely here. The past is gone... the pain of those mondays has ceased, sometimes I long for it, but right now.. I long for lunch.

we can be richer than industry as long as we know there are things we don't need.

   I got really mad at God today.... for things that are really MY fault.  I live in this space of the world that promotes socialization through eating out and buying things, that perpetuates the idea that more is better, and cosmetics are more appealing than natural beauty.   I want to live in a place where eating out isn't an option, and buying new clothes isn't a stress reliever.  I want to live in a place where walking barefoot is the way of life.  I never thought I would be that person.. that wants to be free.. I thought I would always want new shoes, and a pretty haircut.  All I long for right now is to run around with children in the heat of the day and tell them they are beautiful no matter where they come from.  

   This whole thought began with thoughts of LA.. which my summer was a total contradiction.  I spent time in the ghettos, and projects of LA.. but then I went down to the americana at night and walked the carefully cut grass (which we weren't even allowed to step on), and for a minute forgot about the poverty just down the road.   I don't want to forget about the poverty or the injustice those children experience everyday.  I want to live next to them, I want to stand up for them.  I want to play in the streets with them.  I want to wake up every morning and pray to God that my entire being emanates his love for those who are starving for love, peace, and food.

I don't want to live in a place where girls think you might steal their boyfriends for no apparent reason, I don't want to sit in star bucks and pay 5 bucks for a  coffee anymore, I want to be free from this materialistic part of the world and I want to do life differently.  I want to be free from university where students file into classes after driving their BMW's just to learn what other people want to teach us, and and drink their americanas from starbucks. 

but today I sit in my warm house, and listen to music on myspace, only to think.. I wish I had more clothes.  

I am a hypocrite, but today I want to change that.  I want to think differently, I want to walk into a store barefoot (in the summer), I want to hang out downtown and hand out scarfs, I want live life the way Jesus would.

I want to start today.  Where do I even begin?  

January 20th 2009

This date will forever stand out in our mind, because with the rising of today's sun there is a new dawn.. a dawn of change.

I agree that this day is a day of history and I definitely will tell my children one day where I was and who I watched the inauguration with. I like the fact that both the president and the vice president began their term with a church service, and many prayers. The beginning of a long term, that will have many challenges and hardships - he and his family will need the prayers.

But on this day, I'm giving the credit to God. I believe that only He can bring about hope and change. This change would never have been possible without faith in God, and it has brought the Obama's family thus far.

So on this day, I want to remember that through God all things are possible.
The United States which long ago believed and practiced slavery, now has begun to believe that all people are created equal. This is truly a day to remember.

Equality, hope and change are shown today and through God...all things are possible.

Of Death and Dreaming

I seem to dream of you Alot these days. Dreaming in colour and reality.
Everyone acts as though they don't realize that you'll be gone when I wake up.
But I know.
I was always the one who knew that you'd be gone one day.

You were a mirror for me, you displayed my image the way I never saw myself.
I saw the good parts of myself in you.
I still do.
I see you when I dream
but im still the only one who knows you'll be gone,
when I wake up.

You

You wrote in tiny letters and codes.
because you loved me
you spoke in funny accents wore crazy hats and sang like daffy duck
because you loved me
you took the time to wake me up every single morning that year
because you loved me

the irony is now that all those things have faded, I know you loved me..

Oct 29th, 2008 - The laziness of mourning/morning

I lay in bed, and dream in brightness, and colours
I think of days past.

lazy
tired
weary

not from hard work- but from working hard through mourning.

The hardest work, is to lay there, and not feel a thing.
to dream in colours and brightness, when dreaming is done in the dark.

I lay in bed, throughout the day.
staring at the bright sunlight on the wall dreaming your in the next room

challenges.

I just had one of those moments that "change your complete outlook on life". We all have moments where we think we won't make it, where we think we should just give up..
and the past two years of my life has been a battle to overcome those thoughts.

In my first year of University, within the first three months I had lost the most important thing to me in the world, my father. It was a hard year, and just beginning university scared me to pieces. I thought my whole life would crumble after my dad passed, in the month preceding his death I thought constantly.. I can't do this, I can't continue university... sometimes even life. It was a battle to go from the hospital to my classes, but I did it.


Then when my dad passed, I had feelings of peace, I knew where he was, and I knew what i had to do. So I kept going to school, working, being a friend, sister, daughter, all my roles. Then it happened again.. I finished my first year of University with an average I needed!!! I was so surprised.. and I thought.. I CAN do this.


After school was over, I had a decision - to go to LA or to stay home and make money like a responsible student. Again I decided to take LA, for obvious reasons THE DREAM CENTER!! my dream.. for so many years to work there.


I did it. I thought I would be so afraid of the big city and working in the projects, on skid row being away from my family and friends. After a few months passed I thought I couldn't come home.. I thought it was going to be the hardest thing I ever did since apart of my heart now resides and is embedded within the dream center in LA.


When I came home, I had to face grieving again school, everything. Life is so hard sometimes, but when we DO IT.. its so rewarding. This past semester was the hardest of my life.
You see I have a diagnosed learning disability, which shocks some people - but in reality it affects a lot of my life, but isn't really different from the way other people learn. Its a win/loose to have a learning disability. You win because the school goes out of its WAY financially to help you.. which I love. The loose part is that you have to work harder than anyone in the school to obtain good grades. The disability I have, basically affects my working memory, so in order to succeed in tests/exams I have to the material basically like the back of my hand.. which yes is the same as most people... and I don't really understand why I am different, but im not going to argue with the support they give me.


Today I was afraid to look at my midterm social work mark because this last semester I've worked hard, but not as hard as I wanted to. So I logged into my account, and looked at my mark... it was so much better than I expected, and it hit me.. I can't do it, but with the strength God gives me daily, the encouraging friends I have, the family that loves me --
I can do SO MANY things...


I have this passion God gave me, to encourage and build peoples self esteem and belief in their selves, but its so hard sometimes to do the same for myself.


I can do it. Even though life is hard, and hurts, and breaks me sometimes, but its so beautiful when you know you can overcome!


So with the end of this year, and the beginning of a new season for me I ask WHATS next? what expectation of myself can I overcome?


happy NEW year.


Jessica.


ps: “The ultimate measure of a person is not where he/she stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he/she stands at times of challenge and controversy.” -Martin Luther King Jr.