Two different.

Two different?

are we too different?  we are two people

you have a strong mind

I have a strong heart

you have strong arms

I need to be held when I am weak

I see the beauty in music

you hear music

I see art in everyday life

you see intellect and logic

Can we compliment one another, or are we two different people?

paraplegic blind woman.

I miss you like a paraplegic misses walking

Some days more than others, today is that day.  

Today I want to lay in bed and stare at the wall, I want to do nothing, say nothing, think nothing.  I want to feel selfish and lay in bed all day, and try to forget the world, try to forget how much I ache inside.

Some place in my heart cries out for your affirmation, it comes out every once in awhile, and I don’t know how to express it, or even explain it.  I feel within me somedays I just need to be called beautiful, or smart or a good cook even though sometimes I’m not.  I want to bet on the grammy’s, watch the food network, and listen to obscure music with you.  

Why can’t I find anyone to do those things with, and why can’t it be the same?  Why don't I feel the same.

Instead I miss you like a blind woman misses the brilliant colors of June.

This is the same.

   You are the same, no different as every man who stood before you in this place.

   You subtly reinforce that we are not worth the time, the patience, the wait.

   But I am.

  

 I know I am worth it, and I'm not willing to stand here in this place and allow myself to feel the way I've felt so many times before.  

Maybe thats not fair because it was them, and not you that reinforced it.  

Maybe its not fair because you probably have no idea of the impact of your actions, or non   actions.

But I am choosing not to budge or move on this issue.  Its a non negotiable.  

--To guard my heart and not open it unless you are someone who is confident enough to have patience, character, understanding, perceptiveness, and enduring love.

So today "nothing will happen unless I decide, because

I choose to be the best that I can be, I choose to be authentic in everything.... 

my past does not dictate who I am."

sackcloth and ashes

I’ve been turning over tables in my own living room for years, but has it changed anything?

I’ve tried to work from the inside of an organization to see change on the outside, but I grew tired and gave up.  I went somewhere where the change was already made.. almost.  Was that right in the eyes of God, Im unsure?

I’m dressed in a disguise, to fit into the culture so people will think I am the same, but in my heart I am different.  My eyes are different, my hands are different, my words are different -- or so I’d like to think.

Why is it so hard to be in this world and not of it.  I know what God wants from me, but why am I not willing to give up my money, my whole heart, the things that comfort me and my whole life?

Some days I am willing to put on sack cloth and ashes and walk through the city, but somedays I put on my name brand shoes, leather jacket and sit in a complacent building full of other people who are willing to compromise.

when will I be willing to stand up within that building, tear off the chains that are tied around our bodies and put on the sack cloth and ashes? When will I begin to pray?

so frustrated

   this life seems so mundane and hard at the same time.  Things consume my time, and my time consumes me.  This world continually spins, but I feel like I can't move from the place I'm standing in.  I want to change, I want to grow I want to move forward but Im stuck being this person.  I'm stuck in this place, Im stuck thinking the same things over and over.

   Why can't I change, "it just takes hard work".

   What do I have to give,  "everything that is within me."

   Am I really smart enough,  "you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you".

So I sit here in the library pondering the concepts of theory vs practical and think... 

     I just want to escape this reality and watch tv.

   

How can you comprehend a love like this?

It hit me tonight like a hurricane.. Gods love.

we can't understand it, nor are we consciously aware of it.  

We contextualize things in our tiny brains.. the way WE feel when we are disappointed, or afraid of rejection or are untrusting. 

But God is always there, loving us.  When we sin, when we are angry with Him,  when we IGNORE him.. he's always there.  He's a jealous God, but He without reserve loves us?

I can never really understand His love for me, I keep listening to this song over and over.. trying to comprehend what His love feels like, what it means to me.. but I never can quite get there.

I feel so far from that love.. I feel I put up walls of unworthiness that are full of regrets.  How can I deserve the kind of love you thrust on me? How do I with all of the things I've done against you consciously thank you for the love you give to me, when I know that for my whole life I will keep making mistakes.. and hurt you.  Why can't this life be a place where we understand what your love looks like.  It comes in so many forms and shapes, that I sometimes feel as though Im empty... I'm all tapped out of love to give, but in my emptiness, weakness, you are so strong.. you show your love so much more than I can understand or comprehend sometimes.  

tonight as I think about my saviour I think about the way He loves me.

even though Im sinful, daily.

even though I yell at him when things don't go my way

even though I ignore him daily

even though I take His name in vain.

he loves us, oh how he loves us.

tonight " my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I dont have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us...."

The love of my life.

In years past I've searched for you, i've tried to find the love that I felt was missing from my heart.  I thought I could find it in a man, in acceptance of my friends, in doing well in school.

None of these things satisfied the yearnings of my soul.

 

I gave myself emotionally to so many people; friends putting more time than they did into the friendships, and chasing boys who were no good for me.

None of these things satisfied the yearnings of my soul.

I tried to be hard.  I don't care how people treated me.  I put off this perception of strength mixed with a hardness.  I don't let people see me cry, but I do it all the time.  The hardness has taught me that its not who I want to be, I want a soft heart, one that reaches out and is emotionally intelligent. 

None of these things satisfied the yearnings of my soul.

Only one man has done the ultimate, he's laid down his life for mine.  He's been there all along, proving himself to me time and time again.  Why do I turn away from the one man who's done it all for me?  Why do I forget he died, so that I may be free?

  Only one man has satisfied the yearnings of my soul, and will continue to do so for eternity.

So today I take the time to remember, what He did, and how I don't even deserve His love.  Today I take the time to reflect on how Im living, and how He wants me to.  Today I make a conscious effort to remember the promises I've made, and today I try all over again to be the daughter He calls me to be.

Mending.

you are worth more than that.

Do you know that you have value, worth, and are brilliant.  

Because you are - but you don't treat your heart that way.  

You don't keep that beating heart in your chest, but you hold it in your hands trying to give it away.

  

You tried to give it to me, but I couldn't take care of it - so I refused to take it.

I held mine tight in my hands, because I knew it was being mended, slowly.  

A heart that wasn't mended yet wasn't what you needed, because yours is mending slowly but you don't even know it. 

But you still hold your heart in your hands out stretched to that girl who doesn't even know who she is, but knows what she wants - your love, your time, your words.  

They were once all for me, but now they are given to any girl who will take that precious heart of yours.

I pray that one day you will know your value, your worth and that you can make it on your own.

Just like I am trying to make it on my own day, by day.

I want you to know that I  care for you, and I do miss you 

                         - but I can never take that precious heart from you.