July 31st, 2010 - The truth

I laid on his bed tonight thinking "why am I here?". There was no reason for me to be there, but still I laid there staring at the screen trying not move in a way that would insinuate I wanted his affection. There's something intriguing about being close to a man, that I've never experienced before. I've never really been touched by someone who's loved me with his whole heart. I've never been held by a man who's known every part of me, and wanted to know more.

So I laid there listening to his meaningless words, his endless attempts to be physically closer to me - when emotionally we were strangers. There's nothing appealing about this moment to me. I kept thinking, this would be nice if I cared about him. So I politely said "no thanks" to his advances, and excused myself. Although he tried to force me, I stood my ground and left his apartment. On the way out I decided I would never lay on a mans bed again, unless he's asked my hand in marriage. I decided that I need to be persued, and although the wait is agony, its worth it.

The truth is, one day, when all is said and done, and the man I will spend the rest of my life with asks if he can kiss me, I will say yes, I've waited for you.

P.O.W. solid poem.

P.O.W
By Alicia Keys

I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head

I trap myself further
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid
I am a P.O.W.

Not a prisoner of war
A prisoner of words
Like a soldier
I'm a fighter
Yet only a puppet
Mostly I only say
What you wanna hear
Could you take it if I came clear?
Or would you rather see me
Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise
M.I.A.

I guess that's what I am
Scraping this cold earth
For a piece of myself
For peace in myself
It'd be easier if you put me in jail
If you locked me away
I'd have someone to blame
But these bars of steel are of my making
They surround my mind
And have me shaking
My hands are cuffed behind my back
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact
A prisoner of compromise

A prisoner of compassion
A prisoner of kindness
A prisoner of expectation
A prisoner of my youth

Run too fast to be old
I've forgotten what I was told
Ain't I a sight to behold?
A prisoner of age dying to be young
To my head is my hand with a gun
And it's cold and it's hard
Cause there's nowhere to run
When you've caged yourself
By holding your tongue
I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
It's like solitary confinement
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid

real.

My whole life... MY WHOLE LIFE - I thought I had to act like the person they thought I was.

I had to act like a lady, smile even though I was fed up, and do things for others that I REALLY didn't want to.
Sometimes I don't talk about what's really going on in my mind because I think "who the hell is really going to care?". I've talked before about things on my heart, and things Im passionate about and usually people give me one of two reactions

1. thats good Jessica which means "shut up, you really don't think like that" or 2. a smile that says "I'm only half listening"

Somedays SOMEDAYS I wish people acted the way they wanted, loved more than is allowed, said what was truly on their minds, and allowed themselves to be truly real.

So in this lifetime, IN THIS DAY Im going to act like I care - when I actually do, and say "no" when I don't want to do something because being true to myself and real with others matters more to me than being pleasant and the person they believe I am.

Slow down.

Slow Down - India Arie
"Thinking the faster that I go
The faster that I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth.
I thought that all of my obstacles were behind me.
Walking around like I'm made out of diamond.
I tripped and fell and it reminded me to move over and let the angels guide me."

India arie's lyrics often speak straight into my life. Above I quoted the song "slow down", and it speaks right to where I'm at. Yesterday I hurt myself again, I dropped my phone, I smacked my head. What else is new? I break, chip, scratch, and destroy everything. I was so frustrated with this destructive trait of mine that I asked my friend who is, oh so wise "why do I hurt myself all the time", she replied "Jessica, I was thinking about this today, and I realized its because you do everything too fast". I thought about it, and realized, I do things WAY too fast. I jump to conclusions, I want to get too much done too soon, I set unrealistic goals for myself, and I do too much in a short amount of time.

I need to slow down, Im going to fast, I've got my hands in the air, with my feet on the gas. I don't know where this trait came from, or why I feel I need to do it all - but it just crept up on me. Now I live with a messy room, a broken phone, a cracked screen on my computer, and I don't take the time to actually get to know people. My mind works fast, my heart moves on faster.

I need to take each day as it comes, each moment, I need to listen when spoken too, I need to listen to my momma more often, and I need to slow down baby....

They say

What they say, goes. It gets brought up in a discussion "but they say we should turn this way", or used as a validation for a point "they say its better to love and have lost then to never have loved at all". Who are THEY anyways? Who are they to judge what is right in every situation, in every moment.

They said that I probably wouldn't make it to university. I remember my teachers not believing I was smart, they might not have said it, but they said it with their looks and disbelief in my abilities. They never gave me chances to learn, be educated, or create. They said i'd never make it - I'm almost there. They've been saying my whole life who I am - white, good with kids, pretty looking, kind, the good one. - and who I will be, a good wife, mother, citizen, etc.

They say lots of things.

They say this year that although I did well in school Im not eligible for a program I've been working towards for 3 years. They said that my dream of becoming what I thought I was supposed to isn't offered to me at this time. They said I should continue with my current track of study.

They also say that maybe I should go out with him, maybe I should kiss him, maybe I should move away, maybe I should stay, maybe I should try this or that. They say too much, think too much, put too much on me.

I say that I am smart and beautiful and patient but sometimes tested too far. I say that inside Im angry and mean, and arrogant. I say that I can make it through anything that comes up against me, I say that I want to kiss him or date that one, but I say I know its not what I need right now. I say that this program isn't the right thing for me, and maybe I knew it all along but wanted to prove to myself I could fit into their mould, I could create within the institution. I say that I heard along time ago that the Lord knew the plans for my life to prosper not to hard me, to give me a hope AND a future.

I say that today Im going to stop listening to them, and begin listening to Him, I will believe only what God tells me about myself and not even what I think about myself. I will only listen to wise women and men who've lived long enough and struggled with pain for years and know God, because those who have not - have nothing to say.

They have nothing to say. Then why are we are all still listening.

I want some of your brown sugar.

I've missed you everyday for two years.

I watched brown sugar today and thought of you.

damn you, and your stubborn distance.

in my minds eye.

I can see beyond what is real and what is unspoken. I can tell what you do not want to be truth, and what is screaming inside of you. This isn't because I am smart, or I studied psychology or because I've had a lot of experience with people. I am a 25 year old woman who longs to hear those words that people don't speak out-loud, that wants to allow God to move to speak love into brokenness and destruction.

In my minds eye I can see your face, from two years ago. I can tell that you would be proud of me now. That your love had brought me to see the unseen, your encouragement keeps me moving even when I feel I cannot go on. In my minds eye I can see Him in all that I do, I can see Him in my love for others, I can see Him in the life my father lived.

In my mind's eye, Horatio.

Nike is right about one thing.

I legitimately am tired of waiting.

What am I waiting for?
get out there... -learn languages, live by yourself, work in a refugee camp. I tell myself.

Then I continue to wait.
for you
for some sign/wonder.

lately I've been thinking, what's the point.. just do it.

so Im just going to do many things this summer.

just do it.

somedays.

Some days I wish someone would take me out for coffee and ask me what I think and believe, and put time and effort into who I am, and the life that I am living.

Some days I remember that my purpose is to do just that for the generation coming behind me, the present one, and the one that precedes. I am to take the time to love, respect, and gain wisdom from those around me. Its my responsibility.

Some days I remember that God listens, respects, loves without restraint, guides, speaks and hears every beat of my heart.

Some days I just want to be asked how I truly am doing.

Somedays I just want my thoughts to be out of my head, and I don't want to bother other people with them, so I write them and post them on this very blog.

Today is/are that/those day(s)

Quote and a question.

I don't ALWAYS post things about love, but pretty regularly.. haha so don't roll your eyes - just read the quote. I find it ... intriguing. What are your thoughts on this idea of what love is, and how to go about it.


Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.
— William Parrish (Meet Joe Black)

hindsight

"Hindsight is always 20-20" Im beginning to see a little more clearly now, but its hard to see when your vision is blurred.

rain rain go away.

Since the day I met you two summers ago, not a day passes without thinking of you.

Its raining out, I think of you. Its sunny out, I think of you.

Rain rain go away.

It never rained once that summer, not once.
Since then, its been nothing but rain.

I want the rain to go away.

depicting real life.

Photo by Brandt Russo

Something I've come to realize is that pictures can cover up a thousand experiences of pain.

Facebook is a great tool if used wisely, but the thing I find the most fake about this website are the pictures. They are never an accurate depiction of life. So why do we try so hard to touch up our pictures, pose for the camera, and post as many pictures as possible for facebook, twitter, and other social networking sites.

Im not saying that family life is not a wonderful place, because I know some amazing families that create love and laugther in one anothers lives. Im saying these pictures and the number of them do not depict the true and real lives of people.

Don't get me wrong I am NOT saying my family is the worst one yet - they are amazing people, I just know in my 25th year the one thing I realize about my family is that we are all broken, jaded, shattered individuals who have experienced pain and sorrow. My family has been broken in part by lies, revenge, hurtful events, and misunderstandings These pictures don't say that about our lives, they don't show our wounds, because we can touch them up and perfect them with adobe photoshop or iphoto or whatever.

In my real life, the only thing that can take away the hurtful, painful images is God. The only who sent His son, to die in place of each and everyone of us. This analogy may be corny or cheesy, but in this pain stricken time of our lives, the only thing we can and MUST hold onto, is the redeeming love of God.

"my chains are gone, I've been set free, my God my Saviour has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace."

Wisdom.

The more I know the less I understand and all the things I thought I've figured out I have to learn again.

-Don Henley.

two statements.

-somedays I feel as though Im alone in this world trying to endure it through all this pain.
-other days I believe and know I am a child of God who is made by his hands and was purposed before i was even conceived.


today, I am the first statement. I need to believe the second for my life breath today.

God please show me your beauty today.

Season of life.

Where Im at now is summarized in this following statement:

"Do not let others change who you are, or where you go in life. Only God has that power".

I am often too swayed or change myself to fit the thinking of others, or adapt to my surroundings. Today I stand tall in my single-hood, my academia, my walk with God, my love for others, and my choices I am (trying) wisely making everyday.

signed,

Jessica

Props... to Mayda del Valle

This poem isn't everything I believe, nor does the whole thing pertain to certain instances in my life.
I respect the lines in this poem, and some of it pertains to my life, and most of it is true.
I just wanted to be clear before you read Mayda del Valle's "To all the boys I've loved before".

she speaks with so much power. wow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9tlQMSovCk

above is the link to view it, and the lyrics.

Darfur.

I lay still in my room, trying to rid my thoughts of what I have seen/hear tonight.
I am a pro at not dealing, at pushing it down or to the side. I am a professional procrastinator.

Although I lay in my bed tonight I thought "now that I have seen - I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead". As I walked out of the theatre half way through the movie, I thought his line of brooke frasers song "Albertine".

I don't know what I'll do, or who I will become but all I know is - faith without deeds is dead.

I cannot let go till you are.....

I wanna know

that you hung the stars in the sky, So on lonely nights I would know your presence.

.decisions/fear.

Why do things happen, why don't they happen.
I never profess to do the right thing, but I try so hard to.
I wake up everyday being afraid the decisions I make will be the wrong ones.

So I question things, why does this happen, why doesn't it happen - and the answer these days seems to be because I can't
even make up my own mind.

need vs want.

I have all the things that I need, these days Im afraid to admit I'm lacking the thing that I want, the most.

Nathlyne.

tonight was traumatic. but you didn't let it show on your face. Not one tear. Not one "im scared".

We asked "are you afraid of her", she replied with a stone cold "no".

As you sat in the back of the police car, I thought - what should I do, what is the best choice for you?
I don't know that I will make good choices when I'm a parent, but tonight I had to make one that will affect your life.
I pray to God that this was the right one.

As you lay in an unfamiliar bed tonight, I pray that God would be your mother and your father, that God would protect your little 10 year old heart, that God would turn this bad situation into a good one.

Tonight I pray, that you would know that God loves you, and I love you.

treasures in Heaven.

My thoughts lately surround much vs not enough, wealth vs poverty, justice vs unjust, capitalism vs minimalism

I want my treasures, my thoughts, my eyes to be fixed upon Heaven. God today.. may my life, my actions, my mind be fixed on you, on the cause of the weak and weary and may it be a constant reflection of your word.

Treasures in Heaven

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
22"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. 23But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
24"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.


a good reality check of where our world is compared to so many, who have nothing.
http://www.youtube.com/user/benjamincole77#p/a/u/2/oYGGGox3g34

I pray daily that the treasures that God puts before me - children who need someone to love them would feel Gods love with every interaction. I may not be in Haiti, yet . . . but may my life exemplify Gods love daily.


Jessica.