I've gotta find peace of mind.

I've gotta find peace of mind.

You don't even know, but you probably do.  You cannot leave your foot in the door (of my heart), I will not allow it to be there anymore.  Today I am taking back my heart.  God my father wants all of me, not just a small part.  He pursues me, he loves me, he sings over me, he breathes life into my lifeless body. 

After suffering such great loss at 23, I cannot, will not, should not expect this.  I should not expect the loss of my heart, my feelings, my words.  So today, I lay it down, all four years of feeling tied up in knots, of expecting you to be someone you are not.  

I lay it down, and choose to pick up my heart, give it to the one who will take it with care.  

He asked for this year, not you.  He asked for me to make a commitment, you didn't.  

He is the love of my life, you are not.  

I choose peace of mind, instead of you.

Nicholas

How can you live like this, night after night with the screaming, the drunkenness.
you are so ressilant, but will you always be?

I live with insanity, but of a different kind. I have found coping mechanisms, have you?
How can you live like that?, how can you believe this is what life is?

this is not life, you do not deserve to be yelled at, you do not deserve to be aware of these things.
your innocence has been robbed, your heart has been scarred.

I sit in my room with my music turned up because of the yelling
you sit in your room holding your pillow against your face, hoping he passes out.

How can you suceed in such a chaotic enviroment?
How can I suceed in such a chaotic enviroment?

You do not have to grow up like him, I do not have to grow up like them.

We must be resilliant, how can we be different.

13th times a charm.

Some days its a struggle to breath, to keep giving to keep moving. But I'm trying to be that person you want me to be. I want to wake up early in the morning and spend time with you, I want to work before my family rises making sure things are taken care of. I want to be diligent to do what you ask of me, but I keep slipping up, forgetting the promises. I keep giving into what this world expects and the norms they require of me. I want to live differently, walk differently, love without holding back. But we're all selfish, vain, cynical, and jaded from hurtful experiences in this life
- so some days to love without reserve is nearly impossible.

I want to pick that transvestite man off the ground who just fell of his bicycle and hold him till he's sober. I want to listen to that gang member that was sexually abused as a child, and sees no future for himself.
I want to encourage and empower a generation of women to rise above medias standards for us, and become the self respecting brilliant humans God longs for us to be.
I want to stand in front of the child who gets beaten daily and protect her from pain and suffering
I want to shelter those who have no home, and love them till they can find two feet to stand on.

I want to become the person God longs for me to become - but today I lay in bed selfishly longing for someone to hold me.

again, I find the strength to get out of bed pull myself together and try to be better.

Tired.

Tired. . . 

                   of running

             of you running in my head

       of doing, being, giving, to all of you

of not doing enough, doing too much

of being afraid of love, being a afraid not to love, afraid of being unlovely.

   why do I fear so much when I know what love is from the one who 

     created it?

    

         Tired. . .  of being tired.

 

Barefoot troubadour(s)

(Disclaimer to the reader... potentially unfinished..)

   like a troubadour you walked into my life barefoot singing songs of justice and mercy hoping to change the world.  Although wearing shoes, I wanted to change the world too, so I sang along.  

I questioned the lyrics a time or two but we both sang them together.  

You played your chords opening the lines of music symmetry we began to sing forte, and then fortissimo along the streets proclaiming our lyrics.  

In the park that night we sat quietly listening to each others scales and singing lyrics we'd never sung to others before.  

As the warmth of that summer concluded a part of my song passed away.  I needed your lyrics, your musicality, to keep me going, but another artist brought you shoes for the winter and you began to sing along.  

Today I stand here alone like a barefoot troubadour, singing songs of justice and mercy to those who believe it - knowing I can change the world.