resurrect me.

Dear God,

Please resurrect me.

I am very tired.. of trying to do it myself, trying to create love and peace myself.

Why do I put my trust in myself,  humans, things that I can see, and hear ---- 

when I should throw my hands up in the air and cry out to the one who creates it all - You.

I see it in the rain, in the sunset, in the eyes of a small child, but I don't recognize it in my own life.  I want to be more like You, I want to see those things you set your eyes on.  I want to hear the words that only you do, I want my mind to glorify You.  More than anything I want to live among those children who need love, and peace to be their strength.  I want to walk on the streets of the weary and broken and speak truth, I want to SPEAK truth.

I feel like all I'm doing is existing, is being here.  I want to be more than this person in this place -- I want to be resurrected from this life.  I feel so far away from who or where I want to be.  Six months ago I felt like I was alive, and in the place you called me to, but now I feel so far away from your will.. but am I ??

God in this moment.. speak truth, empower me to do the same daily.  break my ideals, thoughts, and replace them with your own.   Replace my eyes, my ears, my heart, my spirit, my hands, my feet with Yours so that I can live more like you want me to.

Sincerely,

 a willingly broken heart.

  

you took it.

you took my possessions that in reality mean nothing, but yet everything to me.
why did you force yourself into my space, I never meant for you to be there.
Im so upset and frustrated because you took it when I needed to feel safe, and not violated.
why does the loss of this meaningless material item make me feel so vulnerable?
you now have access to my life in a way no one does, and it makes me feel naked.
why did you need to deviate from norms, and rules to strip me of my shell.


I hope you know how much God loves you and wants you to do the right thing.
I hope you see that this wasn't the only answer, that there is so much you are capable of.
I hope you know that I forgive you even though you've left me feeling sick to my stomach and upset.
I hope that one day you understand that taking from someone else doesn't replace what you don't have.
I pray one day you'll be blessed like I was/am.

sisters.

you speak quickly and with such passion
I wish you didn't live so far away
the second week we knew each other, we knew we'd be soul sisters
we lived together for three whole months, and exchanged hearts.

even though we're miles and miles apart our solidarity still remains.
Although we live in our hometowns, we're both wandering souls.
We know what we want, but dont know where to begin.
One day we'll be in the same place again - serving along one another fighting for the cause of the poor, weary, and innocent.

you are my sister, and I miss you!

Mars/Venus love/hate.

Why do we struggle to understand one another
You are from mars, we are from venus.

in what world is it ok to act like that?
is it because we speak different languages or just to lazy to take the time to understand.

we say sorry, then we hurt one another
why is it ok to treat another human in such a way?

why can't we be friends? Why can't we be lovers?
our misunderstandings cause so much pain, which taints our view of one another.

One day they say we'll "look back and think, we were so young and naive."
but I see marriages all over the world dysfunctional and disoragnized because we are still young
and naive.

The distance between mars and venus is so far, but yet so close.

lyrics from a 17 year old

My life is a song.

The back beat is the foundation.
It is the strength in the song, that is consistently playing.

The vocalists are the people in my life.
Each singing a lyrics some singing louder than others, but each breathing life into the song.

The instruments are played with strength. Each instrument has been practiced diligently, pushing through painstaking effort; bringing character, love, and wisdom to the song.

Each part tie my song, my life, my world together.

When Harry met Sally is when I met insanity

your lyrics and words come so easily. You speak with such humility and grace, that im amazed you are still here, in my life.

There is something about you that shone so bright when I first met you. Four years ago.
Its been a long journey, and i've grown so incredibly much, have you?
where are you at now, I guess i'll find out in a month or two weeks. I never know.
Always un/predictiable, always incredible.

There is not another person like you. You are smart, confedient, wise, shy, and strong .. but do you know all of that? You should, because I tell you.

Lets go back to the summer, lets go back to downtown walks and late night concerts.
Lets go back to whit, lists, and double talk.

India said it best when she sang...
"The moment that we met, he made me smile. He has so much compassion in his eyes I have no idea, how long he’ll be here A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life I’m not worried about the future Because we have such a wonderful time when we’re together However things turn out, it’s all right Cause he’s already changed my life."

What is love? Baby don't hurt me, no more.

There is something so beautiful about writing your feelings down in a blog, or on paper.

I always prefer paper, so I can draw my feelings too.. but there is something so amazing about sharing your feelings with others, it begins to change to a collective feeling - and your not alone in the ways you think and feel. So Im about to become very candid.

I think theres something so real about loving someone, but i've never truly done so.

I love children, and people without reserve, but when it comes to real true love, i've never done so. I've never been in it, nor have I felt it.

I've cared very deeply for a few people, in which it all ended in either myself ending it or them. That feeling of disapointment makes you change your view of what love is. I've always felt love was about black and white, but this human love is really about greys. They always overcome what I think and believe about "love".

The greys are the other girls that step in, and stand where I once stood.

Which in retrospect was the best thing. Those I choose to put my hope and trust in always let me down, and maybe its because its what I expected - so I choose those who I knew wouldn't love me the way I deserved.

Grandeur love between a man and woman is something i've never really understood, not because I don't believe in it - but because i've never experienced it.

Some days I long for it, others I don't want any part of the "wave" that is love

--that overcomes those who fall into it. I hate that people fall in love and gain those feelings they loose or change their passion for what they previously loved, because its redirected to another person.

When I fall in love, I want to truly love without reserve.. but I still want to love children, the tired, weary, and the unlovely.. the ones I was born to love. I don't want to give up things, I want it all. I never want to loose myself in a love that is not forever.

I sometimes feel upset that I'm not in love, and long for the day that I will be. What I've realized is that one day it will be the kind of love God made me to be in - a healthy love, one that doesn't have extra baggage (because we've taken time to deal with it), one that will last, and doesn't choose another over me. One that understands everlasting love, and the fact that it is all we truly need.

He choose me. He loves me.

I am already in love, and I can't wait to share that with another person one day, but for now I have all I need.

Love,

Jessica.

strength courage and wisdom, has been inside me all along.

Monday's were always a time of uncertainity, of wondering what would come at the end of the day. For years mondays brought the day of chemo for my dad, and I would either go with him or be home when he got there. It was always an uncertainity as to weather he was going to be sick or feel fine. He never knew, but was always afraid of that feeling. He was anxious, nervous, and sometimes didn't go because of that anxiety. He didn't want the week to be terrible, so he would "pass" chemo some weeks. I dont blame him. Last year after he passed away, I found myself feeling so so bad on mondays. Every monday began with class, and ended with me laying in bed in the dark, not at night, in the afternoons... I would lay there and just think, and mourn.

This time in my life... mondays bring anxiety but a different kind. I go to class, and then wait until I have to work. I work with a boy who has autisum for one hour on mondays and one on thursdays. Doesn't seem like a long time, but to me its the uncertainity that stresses me. I never know if had a bad day, or will need some extra help. Its not a hard task but it reminds me of years past... it forces me to deal with the pain, and frustration of who I was to my father, on those mondays. I would encourage him, I would lift his spirits and say dad.. you are going to have a "good day", knowing that it might not be a good day.. I didn't know. I dont know a lot of things. I hate not knowing things, maybe thats why this day brings anxiety. I want to strip myself of that anxiety, and know that my father has my future, the next hour, the next minute. He has them all in his hand, and protects me., and I love him for that.

I think this year I have thought too much about the next step, and not been reminded about the moment. A young man in my social work class mentioned a moment he had with an elderly lady reccently... she told him "young people today are always living for the future, never thinking about the moment, always worrying and thinking about the future, but they never stop in the moment and think about that". It got me thinking.. why do I need to text someone, instead of waiting till I see them, why do I need to worry about those TWO HOURS in my week that I have to answer yes/no questions and maintain his anxiety. Instead I should be in the moment, I should thinking about today, not the future. There is a time to plan, and I time to look forward, but for now.. im enjoying the sun of this day, Iam enjoying each moment so that I can be completely here. The past is gone... the pain of those mondays has ceased, sometimes I long for it, but right now.. I long for lunch.