July 31st, 2010 - The truth

I laid on his bed tonight thinking "why am I here?". There was no reason for me to be there, but still I laid there staring at the screen trying not move in a way that would insinuate I wanted his affection. There's something intriguing about being close to a man, that I've never experienced before. I've never really been touched by someone who's loved me with his whole heart. I've never been held by a man who's known every part of me, and wanted to know more.

So I laid there listening to his meaningless words, his endless attempts to be physically closer to me - when emotionally we were strangers. There's nothing appealing about this moment to me. I kept thinking, this would be nice if I cared about him. So I politely said "no thanks" to his advances, and excused myself. Although he tried to force me, I stood my ground and left his apartment. On the way out I decided I would never lay on a mans bed again, unless he's asked my hand in marriage. I decided that I need to be persued, and although the wait is agony, its worth it.

The truth is, one day, when all is said and done, and the man I will spend the rest of my life with asks if he can kiss me, I will say yes, I've waited for you.

P.O.W. solid poem.

P.O.W
By Alicia Keys

I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head

I trap myself further
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid
I am a P.O.W.

Not a prisoner of war
A prisoner of words
Like a soldier
I'm a fighter
Yet only a puppet
Mostly I only say
What you wanna hear
Could you take it if I came clear?
Or would you rather see me
Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise
M.I.A.

I guess that's what I am
Scraping this cold earth
For a piece of myself
For peace in myself
It'd be easier if you put me in jail
If you locked me away
I'd have someone to blame
But these bars of steel are of my making
They surround my mind
And have me shaking
My hands are cuffed behind my back
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact
A prisoner of compromise

A prisoner of compassion
A prisoner of kindness
A prisoner of expectation
A prisoner of my youth

Run too fast to be old
I've forgotten what I was told
Ain't I a sight to behold?
A prisoner of age dying to be young
To my head is my hand with a gun
And it's cold and it's hard
Cause there's nowhere to run
When you've caged yourself
By holding your tongue
I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
It's like solitary confinement
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid

real.

My whole life... MY WHOLE LIFE - I thought I had to act like the person they thought I was.

I had to act like a lady, smile even though I was fed up, and do things for others that I REALLY didn't want to.
Sometimes I don't talk about what's really going on in my mind because I think "who the hell is really going to care?". I've talked before about things on my heart, and things Im passionate about and usually people give me one of two reactions

1. thats good Jessica which means "shut up, you really don't think like that" or 2. a smile that says "I'm only half listening"

Somedays SOMEDAYS I wish people acted the way they wanted, loved more than is allowed, said what was truly on their minds, and allowed themselves to be truly real.

So in this lifetime, IN THIS DAY Im going to act like I care - when I actually do, and say "no" when I don't want to do something because being true to myself and real with others matters more to me than being pleasant and the person they believe I am.

Slow down.

Slow Down - India Arie
"Thinking the faster that I go
The faster that I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth.
I thought that all of my obstacles were behind me.
Walking around like I'm made out of diamond.
I tripped and fell and it reminded me to move over and let the angels guide me."

India arie's lyrics often speak straight into my life. Above I quoted the song "slow down", and it speaks right to where I'm at. Yesterday I hurt myself again, I dropped my phone, I smacked my head. What else is new? I break, chip, scratch, and destroy everything. I was so frustrated with this destructive trait of mine that I asked my friend who is, oh so wise "why do I hurt myself all the time", she replied "Jessica, I was thinking about this today, and I realized its because you do everything too fast". I thought about it, and realized, I do things WAY too fast. I jump to conclusions, I want to get too much done too soon, I set unrealistic goals for myself, and I do too much in a short amount of time.

I need to slow down, Im going to fast, I've got my hands in the air, with my feet on the gas. I don't know where this trait came from, or why I feel I need to do it all - but it just crept up on me. Now I live with a messy room, a broken phone, a cracked screen on my computer, and I don't take the time to actually get to know people. My mind works fast, my heart moves on faster.

I need to take each day as it comes, each moment, I need to listen when spoken too, I need to listen to my momma more often, and I need to slow down baby....