the moment.

the moment you begin to search for something is the moment its misplaced.

I find this with most things, I don't need/have use for something for so long, I see it in my drawer and think - why do I even have that.

I never wear it, where will I wear it?

But then, one day you wake up and think -

I'd like that thing,

I'd like to wear it,

and its gone.

The thing that your searching for is missing.

That thing in which you desire is gone from your life.

I feel the moment you stop searching for that thing, the moment you throw your hands up in the air and think - I've had it, I can't do this anymore.

Thats the moment you find it. You find yourself buried deep within the anguish frustration and pain.

You find love and mercy after you give up searching for something in your own strength.

Yesterday I gave up trying to figure out why people are terrible to one another and proclaim the love of God, I gave up trying to figure out why relationships hurt so much, I gave up trying to figure out the pain and sorrow some kids experience for no reason, I gave up trying to understand my own life - the purpose meaning and place.

Yesterday I gave up, and found love like no other.

I found peace, hope, and comfort in my heavenly father.

I found what I was actually looking for all along.

is thankful

for days full of brokenness, pain, sorrow, and laughter.

and the most of all - for transparency.

Life for me lately has been all of the above.

Somedays I get stuck on how broken this world is, and how harsh we can be to one another. Other days I am thankful for the gift of love, mercy, and genuine friendships.

Although the sorrow of the evening entraps me, when I awake in the morning;

that is where the joy lies.

The joy of a new day, full of brokenness, pain, sorrow, and laughter.

Something honest

I was walking through my basement last week and thought "how is it that I have to live the rest of my life without a father"

"how is that real?"

Love where is your fire? (spoken word?)

love, where is your fire?

why is it that all songs begin and end with loves pain?  I seek to understanding why love hurts so much, but I have yet to find an answer.  

I do not understand why time and time again I do not learn, 

I grow, 

but I don't learn from those mistakes. 

Learn to see those signs, 

learn to hear those words that are not 

"what

 I

 think 

I 

hear".  

let my no mean no and my yes mean yes.

my no means "maybe" and my yes means "I'll have to think about it".  Why can't I just make a decision.  I once made a decision

to care, 

to wait, 

to honor, 

to seek Gods will in this situation.  

But today, Im not sure I am honoring that decision.  I sit in my living room thinking, 

love - where is your fire?  Where is that fire I keep watching in movies.  The one that effects them so much that they'll do anything, 

say anything,

be anything?

Why do we as brilliant woman who are studying to become aware and intelligent crumble at the sounds of a love song, or promise things we are not willing to fulfill.  

Why can't we follow hard after His will, why do we often get distracted by those who make promises to never hurt nor forsake, but do.  

Its because we were built to feel something deep inside for a man, someone truly great that maybe God hasn't summoned, but he will bless me through him.  

It is also our longing for something more, something greater, something that revives our soul that we must cultivate.  We must as brilliant, loving, strong women of God chase hard after 

Him.  

Follow right behind Him.

Study His word.

Love His children.

Learn to pray for those around us.

Fight for the cause of the weary, widowed, the sick. 

For he only knows those plans.

plans to prosper us - in different ways than we imagine

not to harm us - although we will feel pain

but plans to give us a Hope and a Future.

So love where is your fire?

Its hidden deep within me, and only - ONLY the creator of my being can light it.

the connectedness of pain.

I remember sitting in the grass in the park that day, 8 months after my father passed away.  As I listened to the story of the young 10 year old -- the grief had stricken her unexpectedly that day.  

I remember telling her of my own experience with grief I thought 

we are from two very different worlds but we are connected through our pain.

I find I'm questioning the purpose of many things lately.  The purpose of war, peace, justice, and love.  I am questioning my purpose in this mess that we call the world.  

Lately I've been more aware of the pain and injustice that is caused by our own hands.

Yet again I sit here in my class a world away from that place feeling the deep sadness of the 13 year old acholi girl in the movie war dance.  My father was not killed, but just like her - I've laid beside my fathers grave allowing deep waves of tears to come, whispering "come back to me".  

We are from two very different worlds  but we are connected through our pain.

Some things are universal.  

The purpose I feel lately is to accept the pain and sadness of this world, and turn it into a connectedness in which we help one another through this beautiful mess we call life.

I desire

I desire to listen without judgement

I desire to love without reserve

I desire to do what He wants instead of what the world wants.

I desire to bless a family and take a hit, literally.

I desire to care for those who have no one.

I desire to understand why bad things happen.

I desire to work hard and gain knowledge

I desire to be there for you, even when it hurts.

I desire to be all of these things. It just gets too hard somedays.