Abraham and Jessica.

    These past few months, past year -

I've been reading Gods word, calling out His name and working through trusting Him.  I think maybe I forgot how to trust God without reserve, because I lost my father, maybe that's the reason... I don't know.  All I know is that I forgot how to trust.  This season of my life is a large trust exercise.  I am learning that I can't put my plan into the mix - its always a non negotiable.. haha.  That I must wake up every morning and allow God to work through me, instead of doing it on my own.  I guess I think sometimes I've been "independent" doing it "on my own" for so long, but really its been God the whole time.  I have to give Him all the glory. 

 

During this season though I've been trying to hold onto things, people, places, times.  God has said no - let them go, give me them as a sacrifice.  I read today in the bible the story of Abraham's sacrifice.  Abraham for so long prayed for a son, someone who could carry on his legacy.  For me, faith is holding onto a prayer and believe God will come through.  Then God told him to sacrifice his only son - the one Abraham had been waiting for.  The one who seemed perfect in his eyes, the one who had just come along.  Abraham had to give him to God and walk away.  As Abraham walked up the mountain he must have been thinking of so many things - "how am I going to just kill my own son", his heart must have been aching, as they walked the trek for three days.  Finally when they got up the mountain and he was just about to give him over to God the angel of the Lord came to him and said 

"Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son".

"I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, ¹⁷ I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, ¹⁸ and through your offspring" all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me".

Genesis 22: 16-18.

God had provided them with a Ram to sacrifice.  God always provides, and comes through just when you need it.  God doesn't reveal things right when YOU WANT them, but when you NEED THEM.  

Abraham had faith to give up what was in his life, what he had been holding onto.  I'm not sure why God calls us to give up what we love, LA, social work program, people in our lives.  All I know is that it hurts, its hard, but there's purpose.  There's beauty in the breakdown.  So today, without reserve I will trust my father.  The one who so creatively made me in my mothers womb.  The one who knows my first and last breath, I will walk beside Him, and trust that His steps He's leading me towards are the ones that are best for me.  

Sunday night at church we sang a song I had heart a million times in my life "tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take him at his word, just to rest him on his promise." 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km63bQinoJk 

Sunday night I began to really think about the lyrics, I began to "trust Him more.  Today as I need God to walk beside me, in front of me, around me, I will learn to trust him more.

you are for me.

    you will never let me down.

you are for me

    you formed me in my mothers womb

you are for me

    even the pain teaches me you love me

you are for me

     come and write upon my heart.. to remind me of who you are.

you see me for who I am, and how wonderful you have made me.  

I know you are for me.

complacency and selfishness (musings of the broken part 1).

   This week I've been on a crazy roller coaster of thoughts, frustrations, anxieties, basically confusion to say the least.  

My week began with a simple situation.  A moment where I sat idly by and did nothing.  This became an irritant in my mind for the rest of week, posing the question to friends "what would you do".

   So I run an after school program for kids at a social housing complex by the center I work at.  Today we just chilled with the kids, and played games.  It was a lot of fun, and as I sat in the grass helping a girl with her homework - I thought - this is what it's about, just hanging out doing life with kids.  Then one of the older brothers of a girl who was in our program came to get her.  It was time to come in, and help him with their younger brother.  She was non-compliant to say the least.  I understand the frustration, and annoyance.  He probably wanted to be hanging out with his friends instead of taking care of his siblings.  The next thing that happened changed my world - it wasn't life changing for them - it was everyday life.  She yelled "Shut up" at him, and he threw his back pack at her as though it was his fist.  Then he ran at her and kicked her in the back of the leg.  This wasn't just playful brother sister fighting, it was an inside glimpse to her life - to their life.  I just sat there.

I did nothing, I just sat in the grass talking to the other kids.  I didn't yell "HEY don't kick her".  I didn't get up and chase him away, I saw idly by and did nothing.  

I feel as though this is a metaphor for my life.  I sit in my house watching t.v , I listen to my music, wait for my friends to call, and waste my time.   Lately I've been checking out the invisible children website, over and over.  Watching videos, sobbing endlessly, asking God - what can I really do?  I hear of so many injustices during the live broadcast of the  UN's "international day of peace", and think - now that i'm aware I have a responsibility.  I question myself  "what can I even do to change the circumstances of many peoples lives?"  

I've been thinking a lot lately about my selfishness.  How it seeps into my whole life.  I have been "looking out for myself" for along time.  My dad was sick, and all focus was on him for along time.  My brother went through this and that in his life, and I was always there to help him through life.  My dad passed away, and my mother went through a grieving process.  My brother got married, and life was focused on that.  So Jessica looks out for herself.  Thinking of herself, because she feels no one else will.  This is what the worlds tells you "look out for yourself, watch out for #1.  Do not give up your life for anyone, you need to make sure your getting yours".  This thought seeps into our lives when we go through bumps in friendships or relationships.  We think "I need to make sure I don't get hurt".  Alfred Lord Tennyson once said (as is now quoted as a cliche), "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".  Which is true in every friendship, and relationship you have.  You love without reserve, you fight injustice diligently, you serve with every ounce of strength that you have.  This must seep into every instance, love people with your whole heart - even if they turn your hand outs away. Strive to empower those who seem to be powerless, even though they are weary in spirit.  Every moment you spend standing up for someone, loving them, cheering them on - is a moment spent in worship to God.

 "Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" James 1:27. 

 

So complacency and selfishness is the battle I'm fighting in this season of life.  In order to stand up for those little girls who are being beaten, to never miss out on moments of love, to do what God has for me in every instance of life, and obey Him.

This week is the beginning of something God is breaking in me, maybe he's restoring something.  But as of right now, I'm being broken slowly ...the complacency is falling off, daily the selfishness will decrease little by little.

less of me, More of Him.

Life is a beautiful mess.

Lessons learned thus far:

1.  God is so so great.  I cannot believe how many times God has subtly reinforced the fact that He loves me and He daily is drawing me near to Him.

2.  Family is to be cherished and not ignored.  I am so grateful for the fact that I learn this lesson before its too late always.  It happened with my grandfather, and my father and now I have learned to share how much I love respect, and honor my family.  

3.  Life is a beautiful mess.  Sometimes we go through situations we cannot control, nor can be steer away from them without getting a little messy.  I always thought I could stay uninvolved and that way I wouldn't get my heart broken, there is no way you cannot steer away from getting your heart broken unless you live under a rock.

4.  Forgiveness is about bearing the pain yourself and letting the other person go free.  Which can be depicted by the cross.  My Uncle reminded me of this, and I believe its true.  So often when I forgive its too hard, and I tend to bear that pain until God wipes it away.  But forgiving someone is about giving restoration and sometimes not receiving it.  Or at least its been my experience.

5.  I love Gods call for my life with all of my heart.  He had such a great call attached to my name when he created me, and I cannot wait to find out all the details.  I am excited, and scared at the same time.

6.  Sometimes your plan (now speaking of social work) isn't always the plan that is enacted.  I planned for two years to attend social work for my third year.  Im currently going into my third year as a CSI/crim major, taking poli sci courses and community development.  I love my classes, and I am excited for what God will teach me through my obedience.  

7.  Best friends are forever.  No matter what: people may come and go, boys may walk in and out of your life, family might be messed up and crazy -- best friends will always be by your side.  I praise God for the amazing friends He's blessed me with.  Its been a wonderful ride so far, one that cannot be mistaken for anything but Gods divine hand.

8.  I love working and serving people with all of my heart.  There is nothing more fullfilling than walking through a crowd within the community talking to teenagers and kids alike that you can show God to.  Serving at the center has been so amazing, going to Ark Aid, street light, and even serving your own friends and neighbors brings life into my lifeless soul.  I praise God for designing me this way, that I can find extreme joy in serving Him through His children.

9.  Pain is gain.  The hard times brings wisdom, knowledge and discernment.  I praise God for the things I have had to go through in my lifetime.  I have not had it hard, but somethings have bruised and scarred my heart.  It is so hard to go through those things unscathed, but I have managed to stay close to the heart of God.  Sometimes I cry out "why" but this year I have learned to give thanks for even the hard times.  Through those times, I can acknowledge someone else's pain through empathy, and be the love God would show.

10.  My father was the greatest love of my life.  He always cared, always endured, always prayed.  My father showed me love at its greatest capacity, especially within the last year of His life.  He would change his wake up times for his meds, just to wake me up in time for work.  He would talk to me about any problem in my life. When I got a haircut, he would looked shocked at how beautiful I looked.  His love was one that endured, and was always there.  Its hard when a love like that vanishes from your life.  I have learned (through trial and error) to not look for it in just anyone.  I have learned that the man that will be in my life, must love me just as God would love - as reinforced by my father.

These are things I have learned up until today.  Tomorrow I will learn another lesson.

Life is a beautiful mess.

-Jessica Elise Justrabo.

Dance, Pain, and God.

    I know some many mock me for this entry, but I am truly moved by what I have seen and the emotion and it has evoked cannot be ignored.  I absolutely love dance, art, music, anything that creatively communicates something; someone's struggle, love, peace, anything.  Last week there was a dance on so you think you can dance, I did not see it however I scoped it out on "youtube".  This video almost brings me to tears every time.  It communicates the relationship between an addict and their addiction.  It shows with emotion so much of the pain they try to hide, and run from.  The minute they enter into that relationship of pain and suffering, the minute it takes them captive.  I have never struggled with such, but I have always wanted to understand how someone's pain can be hidden so deep that it allows them to come to the point of destruction.  I struggled with this thought earlier today during a conversation about people who experience pain, and subsequently resort to cutting.  Many people (with a higher coincidence within that of young teen girls) cut their arms, legs, whatever is available to control their pain, to ease their suffering.  Why is it that so many people are suffering, and choose to self destruct bit by bit.    

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4tuxWjqmeU&feature=related

This dance emanates the evil and the pain that is dug deeper with the infusing life of an addiction.  I cannot imagine or dream what it would be like to live with the constant stinging of a pain that cannot be forgotten.  I do however understand and know the loving power that can heal those places deep within that are forgotten by everyone but the owner of the pain.  Those places that are not always visible, but always present.  I have experienced deep hurt, and pain in this world.  Maybe not as sharp or deep as some, but deep enough to wound.  I am now in a season of joy and restoration.  Many people ask me "why do you still live at home".  This is such a loaded and hard question to answer.  It is part of my story of the root to my pain.  I took a part of the pain and suffering my father went through in the last years of his life.  Cancer is not an addiction by ANY stretch of the imagination, but does cause pain and suffering for not only the person battling it but the family and friends surrounding them.  I want to emanate so much of my fathers restoration and love that I don't even need to use words. St. Francis of Assisi once said, "Preach the Gospel always, and when necessary use words".  

My dream, my passion my life long aspiration is to be a person of hope, to be an adversary for the weak, wounded and weary.  To take part of their burden if only for a season so they can be restored fully as God would long for them to be.  To love and respect those who need an encouraging spirit, for those who need a healing place to stay.  May my life forever emulate Gods love and healing power through the battles i've gone through and the people I care for. 

Restoration.

The dark parts of my heart consume me some nights.  Light is pushed out of my heart, and is replaced with fear.

fear of making a mistake

fear of being found out

fear of loving and not being loved

fear of being forgotten

fear of loosing my way

fear of not doing what is meant

fear of not achieving 

all these fears reside within the dark parts of my soul.  Many of them digging deeper roots than I could imagine. 

Then my Abba breaks through that darkness.  He uproots them one at a time, with care so that I am not wounded by the light.  His love is so deep, and cleansing my fears are turned into hope and resilience.

They are transformed and restored into

hope of gaining wisdom from mistakes

hope of being transparent and genuine

hope of being loved so deep by a man that is appointed by God

hope of being found by my Abba

hope of His footsteps being set before me

hope of declaring what God has for me in my life

hope of the excellence and achievement God has birthed me for and with

My fears are made new by my Fathers restoring power.  I praise Him today for this new revelation, and long to be found in adoration.

I pray daily for us.

           I pray daily for you.  I pray daily for me.  I pray daily for them.

I see, hear, and taste a passion that no one can express not even I - for a people, a generation of children and individuals, oppressed and alone.

I long to share that with you, but I have done so, so many times with others.  I thought it was appropriate to share my feelings with those who have gone before you, but so many times its been a disappointment after our friendship disintegrated. 

I pray daily for you, the real you.  The one who is genuine and true.  You speak of wisdom and justice, mercy, and tough love.  The one who will love and respect, honor and boast, of Gods blessings bestowed upon you through me.

I pray daily for me, so that I may submit to him but also may be free to be passionate.  That I may wake up daily longing to spend each moment with you fighting the cause of the weary, lonely, the unjust.

I pray daily for them.  So that these children may know their full value and worth.  That they may be loved by me, and someday you.  That today they would know of their Fathers love through my mothers heart God has blessed me with.  That they would be cherished and empowered to be the children of God they were born to be.

I pray daily for us, that we might know the love of God and one day find ourselves loving Him and each other the way we are meant to.