January 20th 2009

This date will forever stand out in our mind, because with the rising of today's sun there is a new dawn.. a dawn of change.

I agree that this day is a day of history and I definitely will tell my children one day where I was and who I watched the inauguration with. I like the fact that both the president and the vice president began their term with a church service, and many prayers. The beginning of a long term, that will have many challenges and hardships - he and his family will need the prayers.

But on this day, I'm giving the credit to God. I believe that only He can bring about hope and change. This change would never have been possible without faith in God, and it has brought the Obama's family thus far.

So on this day, I want to remember that through God all things are possible.
The United States which long ago believed and practiced slavery, now has begun to believe that all people are created equal. This is truly a day to remember.

Equality, hope and change are shown today and through God...all things are possible.

Of Death and Dreaming

I seem to dream of you Alot these days. Dreaming in colour and reality.
Everyone acts as though they don't realize that you'll be gone when I wake up.
But I know.
I was always the one who knew that you'd be gone one day.

You were a mirror for me, you displayed my image the way I never saw myself.
I saw the good parts of myself in you.
I still do.
I see you when I dream
but im still the only one who knows you'll be gone,
when I wake up.

You

You wrote in tiny letters and codes.
because you loved me
you spoke in funny accents wore crazy hats and sang like daffy duck
because you loved me
you took the time to wake me up every single morning that year
because you loved me

the irony is now that all those things have faded, I know you loved me..

Oct 29th, 2008 - The laziness of mourning/morning

I lay in bed, and dream in brightness, and colours
I think of days past.

lazy
tired
weary

not from hard work- but from working hard through mourning.

The hardest work, is to lay there, and not feel a thing.
to dream in colours and brightness, when dreaming is done in the dark.

I lay in bed, throughout the day.
staring at the bright sunlight on the wall dreaming your in the next room

challenges.

I just had one of those moments that "change your complete outlook on life". We all have moments where we think we won't make it, where we think we should just give up..
and the past two years of my life has been a battle to overcome those thoughts.

In my first year of University, within the first three months I had lost the most important thing to me in the world, my father. It was a hard year, and just beginning university scared me to pieces. I thought my whole life would crumble after my dad passed, in the month preceding his death I thought constantly.. I can't do this, I can't continue university... sometimes even life. It was a battle to go from the hospital to my classes, but I did it.


Then when my dad passed, I had feelings of peace, I knew where he was, and I knew what i had to do. So I kept going to school, working, being a friend, sister, daughter, all my roles. Then it happened again.. I finished my first year of University with an average I needed!!! I was so surprised.. and I thought.. I CAN do this.


After school was over, I had a decision - to go to LA or to stay home and make money like a responsible student. Again I decided to take LA, for obvious reasons THE DREAM CENTER!! my dream.. for so many years to work there.


I did it. I thought I would be so afraid of the big city and working in the projects, on skid row being away from my family and friends. After a few months passed I thought I couldn't come home.. I thought it was going to be the hardest thing I ever did since apart of my heart now resides and is embedded within the dream center in LA.


When I came home, I had to face grieving again school, everything. Life is so hard sometimes, but when we DO IT.. its so rewarding. This past semester was the hardest of my life.
You see I have a diagnosed learning disability, which shocks some people - but in reality it affects a lot of my life, but isn't really different from the way other people learn. Its a win/loose to have a learning disability. You win because the school goes out of its WAY financially to help you.. which I love. The loose part is that you have to work harder than anyone in the school to obtain good grades. The disability I have, basically affects my working memory, so in order to succeed in tests/exams I have to the material basically like the back of my hand.. which yes is the same as most people... and I don't really understand why I am different, but im not going to argue with the support they give me.


Today I was afraid to look at my midterm social work mark because this last semester I've worked hard, but not as hard as I wanted to. So I logged into my account, and looked at my mark... it was so much better than I expected, and it hit me.. I can't do it, but with the strength God gives me daily, the encouraging friends I have, the family that loves me --
I can do SO MANY things...


I have this passion God gave me, to encourage and build peoples self esteem and belief in their selves, but its so hard sometimes to do the same for myself.


I can do it. Even though life is hard, and hurts, and breaks me sometimes, but its so beautiful when you know you can overcome!


So with the end of this year, and the beginning of a new season for me I ask WHATS next? what expectation of myself can I overcome?


happy NEW year.


Jessica.


ps: “The ultimate measure of a person is not where he/she stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he/she stands at times of challenge and controversy.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

Seven Pounds ..?

If theres one thing you know about me, its that I talk during movies. Its just something that my friends and family have to/or have learned to accept about moi. I just get emotionally involved, and I feel the need to debrief after movies. So after I went to see "Seven Pounds", I felt the need to debrief...so here I am.

If you haven't seen this movie do not read this, but if you have.. read on.
Will Smith, in my eyes can do NO wrong, and this movie was NO exception. The man can choose a script/act. This movie forced me to think and evaluate many things..

first being our lives.. he spent the remains of his life (before committing suicide -which I didn't partiularly like) giving to other people. Giving them bone marrow, lungs, kidneys.. which again is extreme... But if we spent our lives giving ourselves to one another 100% instead of half of ourselves.. this place would be far better. In my previous blog I discussed this battle of complacency vs action. This is my struggle... I want to give up things in this life for others.. its what my heart longs to do, but I think I did so for so long, and maybe too much that I began to resent it... so I stopped in certain areas of my life -the giving I mean. I stopped caring as much, I stopped loving. But Im finally trying to find a balance.. between boundries, and giving.

I think the life of Mother Theresa is fascinating. She gave of herself, until her dying day. She took care of people most wouldn't dare touch. She lived a life amongst the poor, needy, and dying. The messege I forced out of Seven pounds, is "live life abundantly". Tell people how lovely they are just because you know they dont hear it, care for those who go unnoticed, love without reserve no matter how much it hurts, and don't live this life for yourself.

This year I dont want to make new years resoloutions, I want to make changes in the new year.

4 months later.

I've been home now for almost 4 months.. longer than I was away. Its so odd, how you can be physically far away from a place, but still feel it so close. When I came home, I was angry. More so than Ive been in years, angry about the past, angry that my father was gone, angry that I still lived at home, and angry that I have to be separated from all that my heart desired. For this entire semester I have been dealing with this anger, from mourning, from life. I would say "at least I know and can recognize im angry" to friends that would ask and question it.

Im no longer scared of being in this place, scared of being without my father and on my own (in a way). The loneliness I felt coming home was one of mystery, I couldn't put my finger on it... but it was as if I was leaving an environment where the love God had put within me for others could be poured out into the streets, into the hearts of the lonely and hurting. It was a place where my arms were outstretched continuously.

When I came home I had changed, and some noticed, others didn't. But I noticed within myself the battle between complacency vs action to change injustice.

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” Helen Keller